And the year finishes

Yes, this one is over too..with all its ups and downs and lows and highs. Its over...well according to my time less than 10 hours are left.
One last chance to look back fondly at a year which presented challenges and hopes. And which went by like a flash. It was a good year. I smiled, laughed, and thought good thoughts.
Next year, will bring its own bundle of news - ups and downs, lets see. I dont know what it will be like next year on the 31 -12 -2006....but on 31-12-2005 I am pretty happy with all my fingers crossed. And I wish anyone who has been reading this...all the very best. May the year bring smiles and peace your way!!!

Smells like India.

I am in Delhi...having spent a long night on an eternal flight with a very irritating baby that cried for the 4350 miles between London and Delhi. I have reached- in one piece!!
Am spending the days sitting in the mild sunshine...on the roof, shelling peas and waiting for the cauliflower and turnip, the big red chillies filled with spices pickle and the black carrot in water (kanji) pickle to cook in the sun so I can have some before its time to leave.
Once again I am surrounded by the smells of India. The smells of dust and pollution, of big fat stumps of agarbatti in the shops first thing in the morning. Of fresh flowers being sold on the streets for goddesses and Goddesses. The sound of the kabadiwala as he asks for your newspapers, the far away honking of a truck on the highway. The smell of food on the street, and freshly ironed clothes. The crowing of the birds in the morning. People talking loudly, selling vegetables on push carts, selling hot aloo tikkis in the evening, attracting people by knocking on the pan with the spoon.
Its familiar in an odd way.
Its almost like reacquanting myself with memories which are getting buried deeper and deeper in my mind as I stay away from India for longer periods of time...

Meet Mr Fox

Last night after a whole day of wandering around Covent Garden and Drury Lane in London, I had dinner and then went to bed. Knowing it shall be a long day today with the flying back to India.
So, lights off and just when I was getting warmed up lying in bed..I thought I heard something. The house I am in has been broken into before and I admit I am a bit paranoid about any sounds now. So...I sat up in bed and waited for more noise. Some scraping and tapping but none of the alarms or lights came on. The movement sensors did not pick anything yet either.
Went back to sleep..woke up again with more noise. This time I was sure there is something other than the central heating kicking in. So I went to look out of the window into the garden...and the movement sensor lights came on suddenly. Caught in the glare was a magnificent fox, its fur standing up straight as it was scared. Bright red and gold he was with a bushy tail. It was closer to a wolf..except for his triangular ears and he looked straght at me with golden eyes. We were both paralysed for a moment. And then quick as a flash he was gone between the apple trees and the fence. He had been looking for food in the bins. Te natural habitat being monopolised by human development.
It was strange to see wildlife outisde the mandatory railings or glass walls, and that too in London. Face to face with just a door in between, knowing he is standing where I stand every morning to get the rubbish out.
Strange!! Very strange.
Nice! Very nice.

New Year Plans

48 hours left before I land..I am here at home in london.....christmas has come and gone and now it is time to focus on new year and the plans for the 31dec....I think my dog and I shall sit and watch TV in India...dont know if they still show Bappi Lehari singing...in all this gold chained glory....mein premi AHA, tu Premi AHA, Phir kya daddy kya ammma...and then some pre recorded dances by Shahrukh khan followed by some supposedly funny jokes from people who you cant for the life of you recognise...or has all that changed...the last time I sat at home and watched TV new year's eve...was a LONG LONG LONG time ago...does any one know what I am talking about??

London For Sale

London IS officially on sale...everywhere you look everything is on sale..and from the looks of it yesterday Oxford street is now partly owned by Manic shoppers. The only signs you can read is SALE SALE SALE in steadily increasing font sizes!
There was no place to stand let alone walk last afternoon. The great British tradition of putting everything on sale on Boxing day continues...the news even makes it to the front page of the BBC this morning with stores opening at 5am!!! People actually queue up outside much before the opening. I dont want to get all philosophical about material culture of the British society in the 2000s, but cant help pondering about it.
A friend and I went shopping too...curiousity can NOT be curbed you see, we could not be bothered to enter stores where you have to claw your way in, kick your way out. Also the fact that there is no space in the afore mentioned suitcase or for that matter my cupboards at home..SO!
So, we went to the food section in Selfridges..found Aloo Vada (potato cutlets) and green chutney...came outside..sat on a bench near a traffic light on Oxford street..ate...and watched the world shop by!!fun!

Our man Branson.

Well I just called Virgin to book my seats and to check the rates of excess baggage. Wooo hooooo!! its expensive...about 27£ for every extra kilo!!!
Now I know how our man Branson is this rich!!
So no more gift shopping. I shall sit on my suitcase and shut it, be an atypical Indian and travel light for a change!!! No plans to make Branson richer than he already is!!

Miss

Lying curled up in bed and waiting for the day to pass.
Feeling my strings of attachment being stretched across the seven seas as physical distance increases.
Waiting for the days to pass till the wait is over.
Thinking about all the smiles and laughter shared.
Feeling the emptiness and hole in life left behind.
Keeping busy and occupied all the time to fill in the gaps.
Constant thinking and then, more thinking.
This is me this christmas, missing the love.

I moan too much

I think I do...just re-read my last blog entry...oooh...sadness!!
Not really..I am generally a happy, sunshiny person but things get to me and then I can groan like no tomorrow. Well the deal is I had tonnes to do...as usual. My to-do lists run into meters :) And i like it that way. Being unoccupied and boring is worse than being dead :)
I am all done now..things sorted. things packed. All sorted. Yes I am an efficient person. But the process to getting anything done is...
Much shaking of head and cribbing at the thought of work
Frowning and muttering...
Much thinking about how to get out of it.
Realisation (and buddha moment) that I should and could do it.
Done...and dusted,
BIG smile on face

Thinking business...

Proudly I presented my thoughts on the piece of paper and sent it off to Italy. And promptly forgot about it. Came back with a seal of approval and a request to present my work in Florence in the summer of 2006. Big ego kick happened. And then I calmed down (as usual talking to mum 'Earth to daughter, earth to daughter, come back to mother earth' happened)
Now...
Now I am thinking why do I do such things to myself. As if battling with a thesis which seems to crop more problems than Medusa's chopped heads, a life which has a life of its own, a fridge which seems to be eat its own food, clothes that seem pathetic the minute I have paid for them, a room which demands cleaning almost as often as a baby's bum, bills that seem to be generated by a psychotic computer...as if...these were not enough. Now I have to go home and I shall not be on vacation..I shall have a working vacation. Hmmmm!!! Atleast the clothes shall be washed, the food cooked and the dishes cleaned by someone other than me...all I have to do is work and walk to dog, and ofcourse talk (which is my favourite indulgence, even before chocolate)

Stress, Worries & Travel

Sometimes you think, you are not worried, you are fine. But you are worried, deep down inside.
Sometimes you think, yes i am stressed and worried, but you are not really.
Sometimes you are ok and you think this is about as fine as i get, but you know you can be much better.
Its strange when you base your decision making on people who you dont know. Its strange to hang on tenter hooks for the future of your own happiness.
Is it not strange that we find what makes us happy and then wait for other people to decide if its ok or not?
Does happiness come with a 'be selfish' tag, or a 'must get approval' tag.
I dont know.
I am heading home in a weeks time. Back to India. Meanwhile the mundane elements of travelling have to be sorted..the packing, the throwing the food you wont eat, cleaning the house, taking tickets and passport, buying last minute gifts and then the eternal wait at Heathrow. Its easy to say bye when I am leaving, however I dont like to be the left. Surpirsingly both shall happen to me over a period of 3 days.
So I dont think I am ok. I dont like being away from the people I love and so, much as I like the knowing that I shall meet again, the knowledge of the impeding Bye bye is bugging me.

This entry shows, I am ok, but not really. I am fine you know. Just that thinking too much as seems to be my latest hobby. Well atleast I have three novels to get through in the journey and as above, plenty of thinking. I will be just fine. Now I am straving and so going home to eat!! Hunger rules!!

I see...

Christmas all around me. Maniac shoppers and the paranoid, running alongside the badly planned and the oh-i-completely-forgot types. Its STRANGE when you see this part of the world going through too much alcohol & food, stress about eating, about cooking, about pretending to be a big loving family, about critical in-laws, about out doing last years party, about getting the right gifts and not forgetting anyone, about making the house look warm and welcoming, putting up lights, cleaning the rooms...
..and then about opening presents, sending thank you cards, tidying up the mess, getting rid of the weight gain from over indulgence, paying higher bills and credit cards, taking out loans toi manage payments for gifts.
This IS the season to be jolly..does that mean suling for the rest of the year.
This IS the season to give and share...and the season does finish, apparently.

For anyone who is stressed out about this...season...its Christmas..be happy. And relax, let it snow and let the love you have for your nears and dears grow.

For all those who are not participants in the Christmas show...have a decent winter, wrap up and warm and enjoy what seems to be the coldest winter yet!! And if you can...help a friend de-stress about it.

Kashmiri Identity..

I am currently writing a chapter on Kashmiri identity and what makes one Kashmiri..

Is it the surname? (In which case everyone whose mothers are not Kashmiri dont count)
Is it the appearance? (In which case fair skin, brown hair, light eyes and a Long nose is typified)
Is it the location? (Does one have to live in Srinagar, or the valley. So everyone in Jammu is out)
Is it the language? (Does that include people who speak, or understand only, or all those who dont get it at all as well, we all know Kashmiri is a dying language)
Is it the culture? (Of celebrating Navreh, Shivratri etc)
Or is it the traditions? (Of religous and daily significance)

I think it might be a mix of all the above and one way or the other people fit in. A lot more people meet a lot many criteria. Should we include the fact that people that contribute back to their own community are those who really are from the community?

How important is identity to us? Is it important to preserve it and keep the 'purity' within the community. Or is it important to pass on what we know and cherish on to the next generation?

What is our stand on who we are and where we belong? Are we a 'we' at all? With so much movement and migration, mingling and marriages - a lot has changed. Is it all good? What holds us together as a community, if at all?

Does is matter as long as we are happy?

Questions many!!

Types of men

Touchy one, this one...I know.
Everyone has an opinion on this one..I know...
There are 3 types of men...I know I am generalising and being judgemental (despite previous blogs)..but hey this IS my blog I can say What I want :) ALWAYS.

Category one: Mummy's boy..
Will listen to mummy and mummy shall think for him. He saves his brains (if any) and lets other people make a decision for him. He will never disagree with the powers that be and shall never have opinions, likes and dislikes of his own. Mummy daddy will decide what he should study, where from, what to wear and what type fo friend, later on who to marry and what and when to do with the wife. I have friends like this and I know some lovely people who fit into this category.

Category two: Man with Mind of his own.
This type thinks he knows it all. He knows his mind, he knows his tastes and he knows what he wants. What he wants is approval from his mummy about everything. What to wear he decides, how does it look, she decides. He then decides whether he wants to listen or not. This type want to do the independent thing..of going his own way, making his own decisions, finding his own girl. But then ditching it all to go along with what mummy finds for him. So he has his fun with his imaginary intelligence and independence and the goes and conforms and marries the girl mummy chose for him. Okay quite a few of the people I know fit into this category..they may not like to accept it..but they do.

Category three: The Perfect man.
This type has high regard for his parents and will not do anything to hurt or offend them. He listens to them and then thinks about what they have to say. He then either agrees with them or shows then his point of view. He does not think that life is easy and perfect but he does know he needs to stick up for his own happiness and decisions. He shall apologise for his mistakes but not be held guilty for them for the rest of his life. He would like acceptance but not neccesarily approval. Now this is virtual reality here...know very few people like this. Maybe I know the wrong men!!

Its time for you to see where you fit and also see if there are more categories that exist. I dont think they do...but people have opinions and they are welcome!!

Saying prayers...

Its been one of those mornings when you wake up with a silly tune or song in your head...
I am have been singing this one with a lot of 'whatever whatever'...and 'and i will love yous'

Dont know about you but i find it immensely irritating to wake up with a song in your head and have to sing it all day long. What makes it worse is when you dont recall all the lyrics. And to top it off you are nowhere near google to hunt it down. AARRGHHH.

So i came near a comp and here is the song...

ARETHA FRANKLIN'S.....

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you
Forever, forever,
you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever,
we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together,
that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time,
I say a little prayer for you.
Forever, forever,
you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever
we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together,
that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
My darling believe me,
For me there is no one
But you.

Lets look ahead...

Sometimes it is difficult to not look back. Virtually impossible to prevent your brain from doing a rewind replay. Its subconscious and slightly spooky the way the brain opens old folders and files at the back of your memory. Memories and flash backs should come with a warning...but they dont.
Scrolling past my work I realise that I talk a lot about the 'past'...for a person who is rearing to get ahead and move into the future..it sounds strange.
Maybe I hook back more often than I thought. So from today I shall try not to talk about a past that has been laid to rest.
Let me talk about the future..about the prospect of being home in 17 days time. Being at home, being fed and watered and talked to constantly and licked by the super friendly dog. Being in India in the winter..with the fog and the smog and the smell of roasted peanuts and popcorns in the air, faded headlights of oncoming vehicles, the black carrots season and the cauliflower and turnip pickle cooking in the sun, the push carts of Gajjak and Revari. Warming my feet by putting them on the obese spaniel who lies wrapped in my duvet at the bottom of my bed. Drinking cups of tea with a hint or ginger and cardamom..ahhhhh!!! Stepping out of bed to make a record dash to the loo and jump right back into the warm bed, changing from day clothes to night clothes which are cold to touch, having hot steaming plates of food and then going to sleep squashed and buried under a newly beaten and re-stuffed rasai, the weight of which sometimes makes breathing difficult. I forgot to mention lying in the sun with a shawl on my face...warming up :) Sounds a bit like paradise..which is what it is!! I am counting the days

Older..wiser..lets hope so

So..on the 9th...I turned all of 28...speeding away towards 30 and loving it. I think I am older and wiser and maturer...mum tends to think otherwise..(but then she always does)
It was uneventful till about half an hour before midnight..and then I was very pleasantly surprised by a person I love armed with a cake and candles, standing at my door!! Happiness!!! Perfection...I love surprises specially when they are done out of love!!
So I got a well deserved excuse for not going to work...called in sick (lied on my birthday)..and had a lovely day. Dinner and drinks later I lay tucked into bed...Happy. Thinking, if the way you spend your birthday is an indicator of how the following year shall be, then yes I am pretty sure I shall have a great year.
I dont know if at these advanced years of mine its a celebratory day..for me its more like reflecting on the year gone by and how it was and where I am now as compared to last year on 9-12-04 . A long way away from unhappiness and uncertainity..thats the answer. Touch wood-bly happy and smiling. So I guess its all good. Here is me on the day I turned older...

One good turn...

Last evening when I came to my desk I saw a cell phone connected to the wall and the owner had apparently left. I tried to call 'MUM' which was saved on the phone list, no response. So I called the last dialled number and told a girl called 'Liz New Mobile' that the owner of the number that flashed on her screen has left their phone in the office and it could be collected from the Head of Deptt. The lost phone was collected this morning. I was not in all morning. Have just come back to my desk to see a bunch of roses and a letter saying

'Thank you for keeping my phone. I want to bless you (and take you out to dinner) because you have blessed me. I really appreciate it, my name is(...)and my number is(...)!!'

One good turn and all that. But come to think of it...it is a bad bad bad thing when one loses a handbag / wallet or cell phone...I would not mention PDA and Filofaxes...shudder to think of that. Our lives our linked by tiny silvery slivers to the people who we know...the most important ones are those whose numbers can be dialled in the dark without even looking at the keypad...rest are memory related, though as important at times. These slivers lie intercoonected in our contacts folders/ PDAs/cellphones/filofaxes/laptops etc...and a life after the loss of these is difficult to imagine. The importance of the contacts is directly proportional to the 'bad-ness' of the loss I think.

How much would life change with these material loses?

Stop the philosophy...I am quite happy to receive so heartfelt and thankful a note from someone who obviously is in love with their Nokia!!

Biases and discrimination..

None of us are saints (and for those of you who are...dont read my blog..coz I am not and you might find it offensive)..and we do our bits of seeing things in black and white and shades of grey. We do sit on judgements though we think we are not doing that..a majority of us are constantly assessing and judging almost everything we see or do...this is good, bad, silly, strange, ridiculous..absurd, boring...you name it and we use every adjective we know of to classify things into a comprehensible pattern of likes and dislikes in our heads. You might even be doing it right now..reading my blog..

I think it is fair to judge and approximate..it being a fair world (at some level hopefully) and given the fact that one is generally (assuming again) smart enough to know how to judge.

The problem comes when we judge unfairly or critically and harshly and becomes worse when we do so with a bias in our mind. In a fair world (i use the horrifying word again) everyone would be equal, no discrimination on the basis of colour, caste, race, religion, sex etc. In a fair world you would judge people according to who they are and not what they are.

Honestly speaking how many of us do that?
Can you honestly say you dont discriminate?
And if you do...do you think you should do something about it?
Is it not time to stop disliking and judging..god knows there is enough hate in this planet for it to self destruct...
Am i being naive?
or am I being judgemental and judging you for your biases and discrimination? Are we not all unique snowflakes ? (like I mentioned before)

The past runs faster than me..

There seems to be no getting away. From my mistakes. From my past. Everyone has one, many are capable of hiding it and diminishing it into insignificance. I am not running from it. I accepted it, lived in it. Lived without it and got away from it.
I made mistakes...and I paid heavily for them. I did my time with depression and hurt and pain and tears and why-am-I-alive thoughts...Been there done that. I have paid my dues and I shall not be penalised for it again.
I have found happiness again and I am not about to give up on it because of some overdue fines which might be levied on me. I have fought tooth and nail to get out of being...
wish-I-was-dead to
I-dont-care to
hmm-whatever to
I-remember-what-it-feels-like-to-smile to
I-love-being-me to
I-am-so-happy-I-can-hug-the-world

I am happy and I wont let anything come between me and my happiness ever again. God knows I deserve some now.

I might be sounding militant...but each one of us has a chance to be happy...we can grab that and be happy or let go and live with a life time of if and i-wish situations. Believe in something...GO for IT!!!

Mum and Marriage!!!

If ever in doubt pick up phone, dial MUM.
She knocks in a few home truths as well as what she thinks is right, tacked on very smartly at the end with a ' You do what you want, after all you are a young independent person'.
Is it something all of us young, independent (financially and otherwise) women have to face?
We are 'responsibility' till we are married and then we are someone else's responsibility..ie.husband.

I don't want to be anyone's responsibility, it makes me sound like I cant be left to my own devices to fend for myself. I do believe in good relationships which make you happy and secure and loved. But I would not get into one just to please the parents who don't see singledom as a voluntary option which can actually make you happy (for a while atleast).

Coming back to the point, mothers have this insanely perfect way of telling you what they think you should do, which is put diplomatically into conversations without ruffling feathers.

Whether it starts with the 'we are growing old..etc etc' or the 'now you are old enough..' this is Age school of thought. Heaven forbid the biological clock dimension comes in..then you are dead. There is no arguing the post-30-baby syndrome.

The other approach is 'You lead a stressful life, you need someone to share the load of it...' why do this to yourself when you can take it easy'...

Another school of thought which is not exactly diplomatic is the 'we met a really really nice young man...' This is when you say OH NO!!!!

And you know she is reaching the 'I give up on you' statement when she says...'Look, we are trying, if you have someone in mind, let us know..we are okay with it...'

At the end of the whole..we have been through this, and I know what you think, and yes I will think about it, comes the reasonable part. We don't want to push you into a wrong match and so you think. We just want you to be happy. And just when you think this is last time you have had this discussion..wait till she rings you back to see how your day was...and starts again. I fear to think what it would be like if she figures there might just be a certain young man in my mind..will she run and put up billboards of other Kashmiri pandits she wants me to look at or will she want to shoot this one person who threatens the only chance she might have to find the perfect groom for me. I do wonder...
Always loved experiments in school and in Psycho class in LSR..let me see......I want to ring and test my theory!!

after much thinking...

I asked for comments, I fished for compliments. I hoped for patience, I looked for inspiration. I looked at pictures, I thought good thoughts. I looked at people who looked nice, I thought about possibilities.
And then I got my hair chopped short AGAIN. Short mop of curls on my head. Got rid of the curly longish locks...got this crop instead. Now its back to wash, walk!! Also makes wearing a cap in the cold a possibilty coz there is no danger of ruining my hairstyle.....Short hair = Virtually no hairstyle.
Amelia Jane, Imp and Elf...dont care much about names...but I dont have the patience to have long hair. I like it!!!

Jack Frost

As I travelled to Cardiff this week, I encountered the coldest day so far. A night of -8 or lower across the country meant everything was frozen white. I was travelling Eastwards into Wales so the train journey was along a beautiful coast on one side and endless fields on the other. There hung a heavy mist and the sun was hidden in the clouds. All plants glittered with frost. It was unlike snow as it did not hide or cover the lanscape. This was just a frozen countryside, with ice glazing. Breathtakingly beautiful. The best part of winter is the eerie silence it brings. No birds, no bees, no hovering birds, everything is put to sleep and you can hear the silence. Time Stops.
as i silently kick myself for not bringing along a camera.

have become angrez...

Am in love with Fridays..and weekends.
Ahhh!!
One relaxing Saturday and then pack on Sunday..heading to Cardiff in Wales on Monday...back on tuesday, off to London on Friday..for a Hen Party..Ahhhh!! Busy-ness as usual :)
Stop the world I want to get off might happen pretty soon.

Pills and Bills

I spend a lot of money and time buying the right vitamins and minerals and essential Fish Oils to keep cold and coughs away, to have shiny curly hair, white teeth, strong bones and a good metabolism, great skin, high energy levels...the list of the brilliance goes on....
I spend a lot of time thinking about what I eat and what I dont
I also spend a lot of time listening to well intended lectures "in my best interest" from family and friends.
And I spend a lot of time remembering to eat this stuff at the right time in the right quantities.
And this morning I woke up...with a bad bad BAD cold, a really sore throat and fever. I dont know why! I eat right, live the right way, sleep the right amount, walk about quite a lot, eat at the right time, dont skip breakfast and live a boringly well planned food life and still this nasty blocked nose, heavy head..that even the Coldarin wont cure...WHY? WHY? WHY?
hang on it gets better....
On the bus to work I read the paper, which had a report about how people in UK overdose on vitamins and minerals and these can hamper health.
Am I in shock...No ...not really, am not exactly a softie.
Am I surprised...well perhaps a bit.
Am I pissed off...OH YEAHHH!! Big time.

Haunting melody...and amazing lyrics

Yes..yes yes...I am still going on and on about Love story...I am allowed to..this is my blog you know!!!

Love Story

Andy Williams

Where do I begin to tell the story
Of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me

Where do I start
With her first hello
She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine
They'll never be another love another time
She came into my life and made the living fine

She fills my heart
She fills my heart with very special things
Angel songs and wild imaginings
She fill my soul with so much love
That any where I go I'm never lonely
With her around who could be lonely
I reach for her hand
She's always there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now
But this much I can say
I know I'll need her until the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now
But this much I can say
I know I'll need her until the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

Conflicting films

I saw two completely different movies this weekend..Eric Segal's Love Story and Shrek 2. Back to back if you please. I spent time crying for the nth time over Love story and laughing loudly over Shrek 2, I mean, is there anyone in the world (apart from younger brothers) who is quite as irritating as the Donkey?

Some bits of the film, which are also bits from the book (screenplay overlaps) have stuck into my head.

Jennifer Cavilleri
"Love means never having to say you are sorry"

Oliver Barret III
"..I give you my hand, I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give my yourself? Will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?"

Remember reading this book when I was in class 12...years and years and years ago..well 10 years ago actually..and loving it. Crying through it and reading it over and over again. Well I saw the film after 8 years and it still moved me.

About Shrek...its just unbeatable..the Puss in the Boots and the irritating donkey...TOO MUCH!!

Unique and Beautiful Snowflake...

Am I one? One of my friends thinks I am part of the 'compost heap' just the same as everyone else. I dont think so. I am unique..in my thoughts, in my actions and in my soul. I am like no one else. People might agree or disagree, see my point or not. Discover sense in this blog and my conversations..to me..it matters not..their uniqueness is reflected in their inability to understand me and understanding might mean we both might be snowflakes...but completely unique nonetheless in our own way.

In other news..just spent 5 hours travelling down from Scotland..its amazing how the landscape changes even in a small country like this. I spent the train journey with an old couple who were going to holiday on the coast, with a very small, but VERY fat dog. The dog wanted my Kit-Kat and so sat on my feet for 4 hours, and stared right up at me all through..which, coz I love dogs, I dont mind..but this was one greedy dog with soulful eyes, kind of like the one I have back home. You have to share whatever you eat or you would not be able to digest it. So yup..5 hours in the train, of which I spent some time reading some books, writing some parts of my PhD thesis and then bumping into people I would rather forget.

Is it not amazing how some people..when you look back, meant the world to you and now, you are probably not in touch, and probably dont even want to be. They fade into the background as the 'important' shoes get filled by other things or people. Some people who you thought were amazing when you were a kid, seem ordinary and not so amazing now. Some scenarios which you think were impossible..maybe even a year ago, are not only possible but very real now.

Its amazing how life just turns, turns, turns..and you make plans of eternal happiness, permanent jobs, future qualifications, far away dreams of far away lands which you shall travel one day...plans and even more plans..and meanwhile God probably smirks and life keeps turning.

But I seriously believe that things happen for your own good..there is a Masterplan which you wont know..but your happiness is central to it.

Is happiness, the lack of unhappiness, or another state of mind altogether? I wonder....
Whatever it is..I am happy as of now. Happy in a peaceful, smiling gently, drifting into sleep kind of way..hmmmmm!! Why should I not be...I am a snowfalke..and that cant be bad? right my friend?

Photographs

How come your brain sees more than your camera can?
What would it be like if a printer could be connected to the images in the brain?
I have plenty in my head to fill a blog..
Images of women smiling as they finally put a baby to sleep. Faces of people who have just won a rugby match. Thoughts...and how thoughts look when interwoven and then broken by a phone call! Smiles...when the face remains still but in your head you are smiling...
Loads to do..lets see how many of these I can depict from behind a camera..
Have a feeling a painting shall flow out of my fingers this weekend which shall draw the photograph if I cant shoot it
:)
Gap jeans..wear very well. Guilt levels still high.

Forgive me Oh Lord...

OK..confession time..I have done the sin that many do each day. I have made the BIG mistake of paying £54.60 to Gap for two pairs of jeans which fit my short body. After hunting high and low for jeans that dont scrape the ground and fit me, in London, Leicester and Edinburgh...I found them...in GAP of all places. A store I never enter and one that never tempts me to enter. I am sorely tempted at this time to blame my friend who wears GAP GAP and GAP...for leading me/ pushing me into the store. But let me be fair. I went on my own free will and paid from my own pocket. so!!
Being a believer in Fair Trade and other such concepts..I have never bought Nike, GAP and avoid paying for coffee at Starbucks and McD. BUT....I bought these infernal jeans and my soul will not rest. Due to my buying somewhere in Indonesia is being paid a platry sum for working ridiculous hours...Someone told me GAP has changed its CSR policy. I shalll scout for proof of this so I can let me sould rest.
Being melodramatic am I? Well I had a nasty ngithmare to accompany the guilt factor...amongst other things. So I dont think so!!

Tiredness can kill...

Though I am not dead - yet...Its been an endless week and its not over yet. Working till late night, if not working, then thinking about the work I have to do. Long journeys ahead..loads to do in little time. Training and teaching and studying and shopping for food, cooking and cleaning, making lesson plans and marking assignments, reading journals and writing a thesis. Meanwhile thinking about Christmas and about going home. About shopping that needs to be done for gifts for Christmas and Birthdays that are coming up...hmmm. In between there is a conference to attend and a Hen party to enjoy. Meanwhile a new painting has come into my head and is pestering me to come out and be painted. Also some new books on Amazon look really tempting..ahhhh....or should it be an AARRGHH!!
Read somewhere in an obituary..'She lead a full life'...I am trying to lead an overfull life...or is everyone as mad as me.
I am happy...really tired but happy...happy with what I have chosen and happy with what I have..though some people might think I crib..I dont. I like this.
Tired but not dead, exhausted but not finished, down but definitely not out!!!

Training...

Swanky building, cool settings, amazing painting, loads of glass and water falls and loads of people. Birmingham city centre..and the college I teach for. It was training day today...I thought I knew all the weirdos in the world..turns out I did not till today.
I thought I was crazy...I like teaching at the Prison...I like being able to motivate young people who have had sad lives full of crime and challenges. It makes me feel positively priveleged and happy. And also lucky that I am at some level able to make some difference to some one's life.
And today I met a bunch of people who feel the same way. Ah!
It was a good day full of IT and how to teach IT more effectively..interesting stuff...if you are one of the weirdos in life.

More coolness

And thats the cool new phone I own. The thinnest phone ever made, the pinkest phone I have ever seen. Am i cool or what !!!!

A thankful prayer

Diwali came and went..
as I prayed I could not help thinking about the past and how weird last year has been. Last Diwali I was going through loops and my brain was in a state of shock, I could not see reason in anything and life seemed a bit pointless. Since then I have gone through enough shit to last me a long long time and now things seem to be looking calm, looking up and I am happy.
I wanted to say thanks...for throwing things at me which did not kill me and therefore made me stronger.
I want to say thanks, that things have now been sorted and I have a brand new life which is full of small joys, big smiles and a lot of love. Thank you God.

Indian Girls in Far Away Places

Diwali

Festival of lights...is best celebrated with people you love. With my family far away..I spent it happily with people I love here who are friends but as good as family.
I am hoping the scenario for Diwali will be different next year. I want to be with family. Hope God is listening..

Cool

And this is the first time I have used the wi-fi bit in Tiger. Its cool. I am on my way to Edinburgh by train and it feels pretty damn cool to be able to surf and kill time rather than read something mundane and boring as a woman's glossy.So I am joining the cool club or should I spell it the smart way...Kool or Kewl club!!Hallelujah!!

a Normal day!!!

And i had a normal day today...absolutely fine..no problems..nothing. No issues..it was just normal..the sun was out though (which IS strange in UK) and life was peacefully busy. Nothing nasty, nothing new...nothing bad, and nothing sad. The burnt hand is better..not hurting as much better. I did not miss the bus, had a good time at work with the nasty boss away - she has a cough :) god bless her throat!!
Finally!!! and its Friday tomorrow and I am meeting all my favourite people this weekend!! Can it get any better? I dont think so:)

Conditional??

If I don't agree with you, does this mean I don't love you?
If you don't see my point does that mean I am wrong?
If I see what you mean but don't subscribe to it, does it mean I don't care?
If I don't take your advice and do as I feel, will you stop caring for me?
If I agree with you all the time, and always listen, will you love me forever?
If I think the way you do and so be another you, will you still love me?
Is having an opinion and a different personality, wrong?
Or is it I will love you inspite of disagreement and despite personality differences?

So what does one do, when faced with disagreement? Argue till Kingdom come? Convince? Or understand that disagreement is not a reflection on emotional attachment. Stick to ones point and not give in. And have hard feelings?
Are things people argue about important? Important enough to affect emotional attachments?
How important is the most important thing? More important than love? Is it?

I think Mum can answer everyone of these questions. I have argued with her day and night. I have been allowed my difference in opinion and personality and thinking. We have fought, argued, I have cried and tried and tried and cried. At moments I used to wish she would see what I am saying....
But...my love and respect for her never changed. Arguments are fine. Disagreements - healthy, differences - expected, no two people are alike. But...

But..
....Love is..never conditional. Never.

Disaster Strikes

I know I am not the most graceful of people, but I do know how to cook. But last night I managed to get attacked by a defiant aubergine which did not want to be friend, so..it decided to fly out of the pan and flick some scalding hot cooking oil in my direction.
Hand scorched and scalded in 7 places! Fortunately I had a friend over for dinner who managed to dash out and get some anti septic burn cream, an aunt on the phone who patiently told me what to do.
The problem now is using a mouse..any time my hand brushes against any surface it KILLS!! so last night was a series of wake up with flashing pain as my hand brushes some surface or the other.
Never mind..I am not 5 yrs old according to some people..so I shall act my age..and pretend it does not hurt..when it does!!
and the excitement in my life continues...

Autumn sunset

Swastika

Here is how I spent Sunday...Painting..well actually..i cleaned and washed and cooked and shopped..painted my toes, shampooed my hair, wrote my chapter, called home, called London..spent time ..a lot of time sleeping..and thinking and reading the weekend newspapers.
Swastika came into my head when I bought the canvas, a month or more ago...have finally had the time to paint it.
comments welcome on this one :)

And its FRIDAY!

After the nonsense of yesterday...I have today..which is nearly over..just a few weeks to christmas and I get to go home and chill...quite literally. So I am ok.
The day was not as bad as yesterday...but its not over yet!! not yet.
I wont be surprised to find an empty fridge and a rumbling tummy in a few hours.
Its pouring down with rain, dark and cold.
But then Diwali is coming soon...though its in the middle of the week!
I dont have to go to work the next 5 days!!
But thursday and friday will be killers.
I can relax over the weekend,
But I have a long list of to-dos to get around.
hmmm...
balancing act happening.
when will christmas get here?
I shall go drown my thoughts and sorrows in the some wine and some good pasta..and perhaps a nice movie :)

Early Mornings..and bad days

I just know when a day is going to be bad.
Woke up rudely to the alarm this morning at 6.00, was having visions of disgustingly cooked Pao Bhaji..I was feeling sick in my dream!
Woke up to pitch dark outside the window and the moonlight still shining. Hate this early morning darkness and it will only get worse.
eyes closed..I go to switch on the kettle..to make the Absolutely essential tea..there is no milk!! and no sugar. ok..its ok...I shall look for milk powder..but thats finished too. In the meantime the toast decides to burn. On top of this the heating did not come on...so I was freezing. Could have cursed aloud..did not..old enough to know how to behave myself..aren't I?
Fortunately did not miss the bus. But work was horrible. Had a fight in my class between two inmates and now I have one more person with my name on their hit list.
Heading home now, let me see what else is in store..Today is NOT over yet!!

The Bubble project

This is one of the many interesting images on www.thebubbleproject.com
The owner of this website,Ji, printed 15,000 bubble stickers and placed them on top of ads all over New York City. Passersby fill them in and Ji goes back and photographs them. The end result is on the website.
I found this one apt..and now I risk putting my political opinion on the net! But hey..according to my limited understanding of the World Wide Web..it is kind of democratic and thus supposedly free. So here goes..nothing at all!

Dreams..

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloth,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths beneath your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

-William Butler Yeats

at Peace

Feeling at peace. Happy...in a non delirious way. Satisfied ...in a non indulgent way. Just a very 'Hmmm' look on my face. The hint of a smile. Somewhere inside my I am ok. Not worried about anything. Just happy, pleasantly so at being alive. Not feeling restless. Not feeling jumpy or as if I am missing something. Quietly complacent.
I know something is missing and I have given up trying to guess what it is. There is something in my head that is nagging me, troubling me, worrying me. Dont know and I have stopped trying to figure it out now. Forget it, whatever it is..will appear.
Meanwhile I shall continue to be calm :D

Ah ha.

I got some answers. Some thoughts..and some comments. Ah ha.
I dont think I want to hold on...coz one does that when afraid...and I am not afraid. I am ok. I am cool. I am good.
I am back from long trips and talking sessions with friends old and new..and now that I have talked enough I have a sore throat and a little voice left only.
Shall put up some pictures soon.

PhD seems to be sorting out as well..and for some strange reason I am kind of worried about what life would be without the PhD sword over my head. Do I want to find out..or do I want to stretch this last bit of education I shall have...to the last and longest minute. I have to remember I CANT study any more after this :)

Noticing Greed.

Ever noticed..

The more you like something,
the more you want of it.
The more you want of it,
the less you want to live without it.
The less you live without it,
the more you cant imagine what life was like without it or before it.
And when that happens...
You start thinking..what if this finishes, ends, gets lost, breaks..what if... what if...
There is only so much Money can buy and only so much Master Card can.
And there is only so much else you can get yourself, without help of the afore mentioned.

How does one hold onto something precious?
Or should one give up trying to hold and go with the flow?
Or should extreme positivity be resorted to? where 'Ofcourse nothing will happen' should be the approach?
Or should one subsscribe to 'Live for today' formula..grab what you get today, you dont know if tomorrow will come?

Dont know.
Looking for answers.

wow!!

In love..with Tiger..
almost feels like I have got a new toy to play with and so I look forward to getting home and get cracking with work. Its good. obsessive thesis writing happening currently.
Apart from that..great achievement has happened. Quit...quit smoking for good. Nicotine patches are helping as of now...but it feels good to not be enslaved by a piece of burning paper with smoke on one end and an idiot on the other end!
so apart from that...its been a busy week so far. teaching at the prison..babysitting..or attempting to babysit a 1 month old and a 3 year old...exhausting..very exhausting..its like going for a walk...long one, working all day and doing 2 hours in the gymn combined! YARGH!!!

Please welcome - Tiger!!

Yes..I have got it. My very first, brand spanking new Laptop. After years of thinking..and knowing that I know next to nothing about computers...I took the plunge and bought one. Let me not take the credit for choosing it though...have smart friends who know more about computers than I will ever figure in my life. So BIG thanks!!
So..as I started it up for the first time. Being the DUH that I am...saw 'name your machine'...Is it a pet/ a child/ what..I thought? Why name a machine..Can this machine be human? Bearing in mind it will help me deliver my first child..The PhD thesis...yes...it might well be a human. So I named it TIGER!!
So please Welcome TIGER to my family! (applause)
About climbing..from the last blog entry. Went well..have mountain goat genes somewhere in me I think. Climbed up and down a wall pretty quick. No pains or pulls happened..though I did get sore finger tips from grabbing pieces of rock to haul me up. Shall try and take pictures when I go next time..tomorrow.

Sorting!

Right..I am back to sorting. I think I spend most of my time sorting..sorting my head, my thoughts, books, papers, clothes, music, travel, PhD dimensions, the past, the present, the future...making plans and then pricking tiny holes in them for doubts to flow through. Then being positivity personified and making the holes into windows of opportunity. Thinking brand new thoughts, revisiting books and ideas and then re-sorting them.
Making further plans...and then thinking that planning makes no sense.
Futuristic thinking makes no sense.
As of now..right this moment...the plan is to go rock climbing..and if I dont break any bones I shall be back tomorrow..I dont think I shall break any..so I shall be back tomorrow.
Shall go home and sort my climbing gear first!!!

My work

This is a part of my life. These are the people I work with and hope to work for at a later stage. People who need me, I am hoping to help them rebuild their lives by transferring my skills to them. This my attempt at creating some peace at some small level and to try and rebuild a community torn apart by violence.
The People of Kashmir.

Kashmir..

Yeh Kashmir hai..
This is the Dal lake. I was on the Boulevard..going towards Nagin and took the long way to it via Hazrat Bal, all around the lake and into the old part of town. The lake was like glass in the sunshine.






As you land at the airport in Srinagar this is the site that greets you. Mountains in every direction..cant miss them. As of now I dont want to think of a life where the nearest mountains are more than 6 hours away from me. They bring me peace and happiness. Also make me realise how small, insignificant and temporary my existence is.

Single..!!...

I am. I am. Got the Decree today. Its done. Its passed and I have become Miss again! Happiness..
It seems like a long long journey from moving out to living on my own, to feeling single, and to being single. I have learnt a lot. I have gained a lot.
But today seems like the first day of the rest of my life. And I am thankful that i came out of this one unharmed in any way which cant be reversed.
Thank you God and thank you ADJ Malhotra!

Wondering..

So..
The PhD is starting again. After writing bits and pieces and more bits and pieces...losing supervisors and getting more funding..I am back. Back into the battlefield of academics. Trying to write the story of Kashmir and its crafts. Of its people and its traditions, of its politics and the myriad ways the people devise to live, exist and chase happiness.
Also making decisions about what I want to do next and how. With work..with my career. Do I want to go all out and stick with what can turn out to be an exciting career....with tonnes of travel, kind of decent money but no place to call home. Or to head back to India and look for work there. Or to stay here and continue teaching and then look for a slightly less physically taxing option.
People look at options as good..they are good, but when there are too many of them..it makes me wonder.
Wondering!!!

decisions...

Just when you start feeling alive,
Just when you think everythings going to be fine,
Just when you thought you could ease the stress a bit,
Just when you thought life is looking up..
...just then..exactly there come...decisions.
Big questions, little thoughts, small joys, nagging worries.
The desire to hold on, to stop time.
The desire to move on and change lives.
hmmmm...
Have many to make...one step at a time and I shall get there...if not there, then somewhere!

Back!

And I am back. Short trip to India...and even shorter one to Kashmir to meet the people who I want to work with. Srinagar was alive.... A complete opposite of what it was like in the winter. I am glad I went..its the only place on the planet (as of now) where I feel totally at peace...and I love it. Shall be posting some pictures soon..once I stop waking up at 3am. The fault lies with my dog who woke me up every morning..:) in India..and now the dog is gone but the jet lag is left.
delayed flights, cancelled trains, heavy bags and a bad back meant the return journey sucked...but i am getting better everyday with 14 hours of sleep :D
It was fun..now I am back to work, back home, back with energy and enthu...emotional battery recharge has happened.
post pics soon.

Rakhi!!

Yes..And I was home after 7 years..to tie baby brother one. Oh Joy..I could get the ugly goldie one with 'mera Bhaiiya' wirtten on it and with yellow sponge on it. It started as a lark and long time ago and the tradition continues...bankee brother responded with Diamonds :D
happiness.
India was ablaze with colour as sisters rushed about and so did brothers. Its holiday after holiday in this country...Independence day, Rakhi, Janamashtami...ahh...wonder why I live in a nation of 7 bank holidays.
shall post pictures next.

Just Another Day...

Another day in India. Another day in court. A visit to the Hospital and I am thinking...hmm..very interesting. I met the Lawyer and the Doctor, now I need to meet a Police Man and thats the end of my meeting all Important people in life.
Good news is I am NOT diabetic..bad news if I have high sugar :) being Kashmiri it means nto such bad news as most K's I know have high sugar, BP and Cholestrol...so one out of 3 is not bad.

Good news is the legal end of the my life if moving ok, bad news is its a slow slow slow process that pains and hurts and makes me mad. I am a bit annoyed right now...for a whole host of things..perhaps some alcohol tonight shall do me good.
Lets see!

So far I have been to CP...central Delhi..as chaotic as before...and with the new underground tube network being built..more chaotic traffic is happening. But yes I went and saw the Cottage, Janpath and its book shops, had my favourite cold coffee and bought some music. So far so good.
Delhi is growing fast, moving quick and people live, eat and shop like no tomorrow. hmmm!! very different from UK.

Arrived!

Cancelled tube connections, a jumpy insecure London city, intense security checks, endless queues, hurried chocolate shopping, boarding passes and false smiles, plastic food in plastic containers, long hours of restless sleep, harry potter and ipod, embarkation cards, lazy baggage carousels and out!
Out into the humid and hot Delhi...Yes I have arrived...back in town, back in India. Back home :)
Back with the family, the dog, the maid and the knowledge of an impending matter to be cleared wrapped and packed up into the recesses of the past memory folder in my mind.
It is hot..very hot. It is humid...very humid..but its nice. This is home.

Since I have come..I have slept, slept, slept..talked..and shopped...yes shopped..for suitable clothes to wear in this hot city. Have not caught up with anyone yet...am waiting to end what needs to be ended and then start afresh.
Happy..I am. Relaxed..very relaxed, just a bit worried about tomorrow and hoping everything goes well - without hiccups.
Shall start loading pictures sometime soon.
Its good to be back.

yeh jo desh hai mera

Yes, Mujhey hai Pukaara..Mitti ki hai jho khushu...Chahe Kahin Jayee...laut ke ayega..(love the song..love the idea that it brings to mind..and love to hear it on the way back. hate hearing it on the way out of India)

Yes...I am heading to India tomorrow..I shall be home. Finally!! And shall continue my postings on the web as I get around and live an entirely different life. And even though it is just about 4 1/2 hours time difference...it does feel like another planet when I get there. Another life. Yet another me. I shall end something that was painful and hope for happier times ahead. Here's wishing myself Bon Voyage.

Catching up..

It feels so good to catch up with old friends. I have not spoken to this one for a long long 4 years or more and in the past four years life has changed so much. Ups and downs, highs and lows, neutral blankness, intense pain and some peace.
There was so much to hear and so much to say. So much to think about and then again so much to say. Surprises and shocks, Oh My Gods and Whoaaa!!!
But the greatest relief is in knowing a) that its not just my life that looks crazy when I look back. b) the essential person does not change - what made us friends and get along still exists.
Looking forward to meeting and chatting in person with an old friend.

Location - London 30 July 05

In London,
On the 23rd Floor of the Hilton,
looking down at the city lights and traffic,
sipping champagne,
meeting old friends, catching up,
watching two friends I have known for long get engaged and smiling,
millions of pictures, loads of hugs and kisses,

yet the mind wanders...aimlesslesly through the folders and files of the distant past and the not so distant past.

Surrounded by people, yet alone. In a huge metropolis, yet solitary. Surrounded by friends, yet lonely.

The games my mind can play with me are varied and numerous. I did let it get the better of me that night in London for a bit, but I shook myself out of it..ate, drank and celebrated the longest time ever taken by a guy to buy a ring...5 years!!! Celebrated friends - old and new, past and present. The best thing was everyone looked so nice...we all clean up good!! Shall post some pictures soon.

MUM!

Mothers...
tough to describe and impossible to imagine and existence without them..
this is what i thought so far...add to it if you will...
..a mix of warm soup and hot tea on a cold wet day....
...a warm blanket and a soft jumper...
...a soft cool breeze with a pleasant perfume...
...a cuddly pillow with a soft cover...
...gentle hands and a loving touch..
...worried looks and concerned conversations...
...welcome smiles and unconditional love...

time moves slow..

when..
you are dying to go wee...
you are dying to go home...
you are hungry, so hungry you could die...
you are waiting for someone...
you are trying to get a quick decision...

This is Sod's law i think in UK.

I am waiting for the time to pass quick so I can get home, be home and close to everyone who I love. Be home and relax and get over mental stresses and the dialy wear and tear of living in this country.
Want to..
Go home and blank out the myriad thoughts in my head.
Go home and not cook, clean or wash.
Go home and not take a bus or train or cab or drive
Go home and get licked to nothing by a fat black dog.
Go home and be loved to bits.
Go home and sit in the sun.
Go home and get a decent hair cut.

The list is endless...and its directly proportinal to the pointlessness of my existence here!

Life throws things..

And then do we have an option? Some thing gets thrown at you...you were not prepared and it knocks you out. Does that mean you can't get up and face it? Or does it mean there shall be more like it?
It is strange - the things that come to you, for you and at you in life. The options are...sit down in shock, moan about it, think about it or get up and walk again and be prepared for the next snowball. And hope you will be able to dodge it!
There are always options...

The ability to chose = Freedom

Not here anymore...

Feels like I am here, but only just. I am here physically but in my head I am an observer..watching life go by. Watching buses and people, trees and buildings and ....and nothing....nothing. My mind is blank and I am numb.
Just in a visitor mode today. I dont want to be here but I dont want to go away either. I just want to sit and feel nothing...I am not here anymore...

Current song in head...

When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like 2 balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again,I can't explain.
You would not understand, this is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Floyd, Comfortably Numb, The Wall

London Blasts part 2

more blasts..hmm...

Scotland

This is Portobello beach in Scotland, not far from Edinburgh. It was not exactly a hot sunny day but kids with spades and buckets were about. As usual I spent my time picking up shells and pebbles. Sat and stared at affectionate yet dumb Labs fetching sticks that were thrown into the sea. The water here is cleanish but you would not really want to swim in it because it is freezing.






In Edinburgh and I am climbing up a small hill (they call it mountain) called Arthur's seat. Inappropriate climbing gear, but I went shopping, saw the hill and wanted to go up to the top. And after half an hour or more of wheezing and panting I did manage to reach the top. It was well worth the climb, even in a skirt and running shoes!! Which I had just bought (pink bag on my back has sandals)

Thought Labyrinth

Lying in bed thinking thoughts.

One leads to another and that links to a disconnected one. I start from point A and might end at point C which I reach via Z, M and Q. A random pattern of thoughts that weave, skim, link and return, twist and connect, go round and inside out. A never ending chain. And then I stop and trace them back to the original kick off thought.

I cover most ground of thinking - work and my to do list, my loved ones, mistakes I have made, my current low, my happy thoughts, current scary thoughts, my promising thoughts, need to pay the phone bill thoughts, have to write my next chapter in the thesis thoughts, need a haircut thoughts, have to go shopping before I go on vacation thoughts, where is my friend who had an accident thoughts, what to buy as birthday gifts thoughts, would the Virgin flight be any better than last time thoughts, how hot will it be in India thoughts..... (this is the first one minute i think)
...... and it goes on and on till I look at the clock and realise I have been spinning myriad thoughts for the past half an hour.

Is it because my brain was working out solutions and this was a residue from last nights rest or is it just another excuse to lie in bed for another half an hour?

When everything feels like the movies..

Sometimes I wonder, ..is it me..or is life as strange as this..always?
Is it my life that feels strange, roller coaster type or does everyone feel the same way?

Parts of songs come to mind

'When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know youre alive.'

Iris, City of Angels. Goo Goo Dolls.

'Many times I’ve lied

Many times I’ve listened

Many times I’ve wondered

How much there is to know.'

Over the Hills and Far Away, Led Zeppelin

and I continue to ponder...

Too hot to handle

Have you ever felt so hot...that you think you will melt into a little puddle on the ground?
Have you ever thought that ice cream is the best thing in the world?
Have you ever felt so hot that you take off your shoes and walk barefoot..in office?
Are you a fan of Roohafza with cold water and loads of ice?

My answer to these is YES!!!

Visiting earth...

As I sit here,
thoughts of home visit my mind.
I draw an invisible glass shield,
I am a visitor
from another time and place.
Sent here to watch, observe, look and listen.
Work as all do,
live as all should.
Exist in this space in this time
for a while.
Someday I shall go back to my world.
And then my real life will begin.
Someday when everyday shall feel real
When everyday shall be happy
Enough to stop me from dreaming futures.
I think,
as I sit.
I know what I want and I shall live in this time
Till my time and destiny click in an ancient hour glass
And I shall come back to life.

what about today?

After 9/11 there was a spate of marriages and people going out to do things they have waited for a long time to do.
At some levels this is happening in London too...people know life is unpredictable and things change and you may never get to see the face of the person you love the most again. There might not be a 'someday' or a 'sometime'...the time is now. Now is good!!!
Its sad to note that something as gruesome as a bomb makes people sit up and realise that freedom, health, liberty and security is not a god given right ...and should not be taken for granted.
Everyday is good. Time is now. You know what to do. Do it. Just do it..dont think...dont deliberate..just walk out and do something today that you have been meaning to do for a long time.

At Peak District 

At Edinburgh Castle 

looking up.. 

Gardens in York. 

London July 07

Bomb blasts..
we look on...with augury of the old. With tired old eyes which have seen this and felt this before.
I am ashamed to know we live in such a world where actions like these make people take notice.

The G8

Yes...
I have been away...I am in Edinburgh...watching the nation of free people...who go out to free other people in Iraq and Afghanistan, beat the shit out of thier own people.
The last time i checked this was a free country. And since Monday all I have seen is heavy handed riot police asking people to shut up. Hmmmm...I think. Did we give them the right to rule us or govern us. There is a difference.
So yes, I have been away..watching with scepticism and the tiniest glimmer of hope (that cant die) that the High and Mighty who are at Gleneagles right now..might just listen to the people who have put them in the decision making place.
Shall put some pictures of Edinburgh up soon.

'Freedom is the right to say No'
Anonymous.

Best Friend's engagement

YES!!
He has finally done it. He has finally got engaged to the woman of his dreams. She is everything he has ever thought about, dreamt about..and yet again..thought about. They are engaged and shall get married some time soon. I am happy for both of them.
Having known him since I was about 10yrs old...and spending endless amount of time..to start with...screaming, shouting and fighting with him. And a later stage talking and writing non stop to him...I used to often think...he is Strange(in a strangely nice way)..who will marry him?? :) and She will. Cool hai!!!
I am happy for him. You have been my best friend, my advisor, my well wisher and the kicker of my butt when i got stuck, the shaker of my spirit when i was low. I wish you every happiness...I know you shall be happy together. I think you have enough brains to know how to be be happy. And to the wife to be...if you ever need someone to assist you with butt kicking...let me know...the pleasure shall be mine...purana hisaab and all that.

Summer Storms

The one thing that is assured about English weather is....it sucks. Every time. Either its too cold, or its too wet, or its too hot. It is never good and far from perfect.
The summer is finally here and the sun came out, the clothes came off, the music became loud as did the men on the streets. And along come downpours and flooding with picture perfect thunder storms. When i say picture i mean 'pichar' the Hindi way of saying it. So the storm was with effects...total Hindi film type..thunder (when the mother hears bad news) and lightning (when the hero figures the heroine is dead). So last night was an Opera of Heaven's Bad Boys.

Not good. Not good.

Inspiration for Me...always

'I know where I am going and I know the truth and I don't have to be what you want me to be I am free to be what I want'

Muhammad Ali

How come..My additions to Sod's Law

How come people you never think would break rules go and smash them to pieces?
How come you are wide awake at night till late on a weekday and feel sleepy early on a weekend?
How come there is no bread to eat when it is pouring outside?
How come your favourite shirt is the one that always flies of the clothes line? and also lands in the dirtiest piece of dirt there is?
How come you always meet people whose name you will never remember?
How come parents always call when you are doing something you are not supposed to be doing?
How come there are so many of these how comes?

Chasing dreams...

we are as strong as we want to be.
we are as weak as we deserve to be.
we are as much as in control as we can be.
we know as much as we want to remember.

a lot of times we get lost chasing other people's happiness thinking it is our own. Any unhappiness that follows is our own creation.

'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined.' - Thoreau

Pictures. India 2005

Marriage

two of my close friends have got engaged..a couple made for each other. And the rest of us have been wondering...'whats up'..'whats going on'..on asking very very honestly we have received very well put dishonest answers of 'nothing'...'nothing is going on'... liberally sprinkled with....'dont be silli-es and dont be rediculous-es'..
But guess what....we are smarter than we look...3 out of the 4 people I spoke to last night guessed it...so well..
anyways. Here is wishing one of them a Happy Birthday and the other a pat on the back for finally popping the question in a lovely cant-say-no setting. Happy for you guys!! Shall have the party when we meet!

Mondays!!

Its Monday...again.
I am not sure why we get 5 continous working days and then 2 days to stop and rest. Why cant we just work alternate days...that would make life easy!!

For a change I had a relaxed weekend...spent time listening to all kinds of music while I got about sorting my fridge (which is always full of things I dont want to eat), my clothes (which have a nasty way of coming out of the cupboard and lying on the floor), my papers (which seem to shuffle themselves everytime I look away...
No one told me life would be easy...so I should not moan.

So some Ronan Keating, some Jhatka Remixes and some Indian Ocean happened this weekend. I am still a techno moron and am in the process of figuring out how to put pictures on this blog..once done there shall be more to share..

..and I shall shut up for a bit.

Hello!!

have been thinking about doing this for a long time. my life so far on this planet has been vaguely interesting and interestingly vague...so i think instead of starting a book called the life and times of ... i shall start a blog now and later convert it into a hopefully interesting book.
This blog is for people who...
...like to talk
...can write at length
...can talk even more
....can read a word despite typo errors