Poor Sods!!

Marking, is a strange thing. Knowing that the figure that your pen shall scratch out on the marksheets shall have an impact on someone's choices in their future is strange. To know that this person is hoping for a high mark in most cases and then also knowing that you could notch it up, if you like, makes this job not only tedious but something that involves a lot of thinking.

Combine this pressure with that of assessing works of Art / Design and Craft students. Where personal opinion and a touch of likes and dislikes which colour your decisions and therefore your marks. I like certains styles of work and dislike certain mediums, thus judging a piece of work made in the a way I dont like makes it tough for me to judge fairly.

Its all about getting a fair mark. It is also about judging fairly the effort made to work. So what do you do when personal prejudices and grudges against students show up? You can't always like the lazy one who does little work, skips lectures and whines about lack of support. On the other hand the one who lives in the library, does about 4 drafts of each piece of work and sits right up front in all lectures and seminars is hard to dislike.

There is yet another dimension. Meeting the eager beavers on the street and they tell you all about how hard they worked and how they hope this year shall get them better marks than last year and how they have sat and made plans of what to do next year. And how their parents are looking forward to their Graduation ceremony!!

Hmm! Poor sods, little do they know that when you mark 180 essays in a short period of time. The work becomes nameless and faceless. Personal opinions are hard to suppress in matters of art and design. So I guess its me and my marking...but....but...this is UK..we got to be fair..right? Every time? YES!!

Assessment is looked at by 3 different people for each piece of work, which means it is as fair as it gets. Then an independant marker shall compare notes and discuss reasons for disagreement over marks that may arise. Then marks are re-negotiated..and finally put down. This final mark is assesed by an external moderator who again thinks if its right or wrong. And then a mark is given which is written in stone. Well...as far as possible. There is however a possibility that the student can raise a complaint about it and get it looked at again.
Which means for people like me who teach and mark...every assignment is a painful long journey..dont know who the poor sods really are...me or them!!

Mayhem in here.

There seems to be a dual processor of sorts in my head. Its like Lewis Carrol's Wonderland in here...

Magnified sounds, thoughts about the new book I am writing for, the last chapter of the thesis, the milk thats nearly finished in the fridge, the need to buy a birthday card for my mum, the password I have set for my new email ID, sensations high - the prickly feel of the Indian sun, the spices that are burning right now, faces of people I met on the bus....
Random patterns, sounds and colours, smells and ideas...no clarity, but no confusion either. Its just that I think faster than I can process the details of my thoughts.

So it was strange reading this...
'Wonderland is within. I'm hyperactive and insane: one thought leads to something ridiculously unrelated and never comes back to the first. My thoughts don't make sense, or comes back to the first. My thoughts don't make sense, or come to any conclusions or insights. And there's rarely one thought at once, there are layers of boring, repetitive, crazed snippets. I'm regurgitating memories, plans, information, music, movies, 'Friends' episodes, 'Dr Who' highlights and daydreams. It's mayhem in here.'
Sarah MacDonald - Holy Cow - An Indian Adventure.

Chop Chop!

Recipe straight off the horses mouth..the celebrity chef spouts recipe for green chutney...off we go to buy the ingredients..and what? Someone states they cook better than me and gets started...
Out comes the blender, the colander, green chillies, garlic...

I am easing down on the sofa with a glass of red wine. Ahhhh!!! Bliss...a husband who can cook and knows the difference between a colander and coriander...ooooh!!!
Strange noise...huh?
Again..strange noise like some drill working in the house.

Needless to say the sound emanates from the Kitchen..a quick peek reveals green splatters on every surface in the kitchen..including him. Never mind..Sound - AGAIN!! what is it..
The chopper/grinder has died...after 8 years of faithful service..its been killed swiftly by the husband! Oh Dear!!
Can buy another one..so hey! Never mind!

Glass of wine...sofa..i am back...
I hear *&%$!!! S*&T!!!
Now what?
Blood...everywhere...everywhere...someone has managed to touch the blade of the blender and run it at the same time...
finger chopped..blood and chutney everywhere..I add turmeric to make it clot...technicolour kitchen! cold water / ice cube/ turmeric....and a chef who aint feeling too good!!!

Oh Dear!!
Dare I laugh...at this sorry figure splattered with green, blood streaming from his hand, glasses splattered with chutney..?
Yes I dare. I laughed. And Loudly too!
Cheers to the Mini Chef!!!

PS - Chutney was good!!

Walk Safe?

Working with criminals has its advantages, I am often unafraid of being mugged or caught at a point where I shall be asked for my mobile phone and wallet. But it also means I am more aware of people who look like trouble makers. This, I am not sure is a good thing or bad, as at most times I judge people by their appearance.
Okay... its not just the hoodies in the park that make me suspicious..its more than just that. And I know its discrimination. But I dont know if its fair to base your judgement on the 'road' by what you see at work!

Late last night as I walked home, I walked past a poorly lit park. Past a group of very drunk men and women who were trying to walk straight with pints of beer. My first reaction was, oh they are ok, there are women with them. And I was okay, but then I reflected on my reaction, is being accompanied by a female reason enough to be 'ok'? Are women safe? Or is it just an assumption that no decent woman would go out with a nasty knife weilding mugger?

I then walked past a small group of young men, who were dressed in floor kissing, ass revealing jeans, with studded belts baseball caps over their hooded sweatshirts. They seemed to be of a mixed race. I did not spend time staring at them. They were hanging around outside a 7/11 that sells alcohol. Their dress and body language told me to walk clearly past them, rapidly. No eye contact and no turning around.

Where have I learnt this discriminatory thinking and am I right in using it for my safety? From where does this survival / safety instruction journal come into my head. Surely its not just from working in a Prison or from typified media depictions of young offenders.

Teachings of an 80 yr old Aunt to a soon-to-be-married neice

This is between an 80 year of Aunt of mine and me a couple of days before the wedding...

80yr old Aunt - So now that you are marrying, always remember two things.
Me - What are those?
80yr old Aunt - In our times, we were not asked what we want and what we think and all that, but you are educated, have been on your own, lived abroad and have been working, so you have learnt a lot from being around a bit. The fact that you are This old also helps in a way....
Me - Do I hear a 'but' there?
80yr old Aunt - I suppose yes, I think you should remember two things, which will ensure happiness and peace in your house. The idea is to keep him happy, if he is happy, he will make you happy, and thats the whole point of being married.
Me - and those two things are?..??...
80yr old Aunt - Always remember he is smarter than you, he is older (yes he is by 3 days) and thus wiser, he is the man and needs to be in control, dont show him you know better, dont prove it either by doing it right. Let him think he has taught you all you know and follow him. So the first point is understanding who is the boss, and that the boss is always right.
The other thing to remember is, he might say things you dont like, always remember to keep quiet. God gave you a sharp tongue but also the 32 teeth in front of it, to keep it in control. If he says nasty things, keep quiet. Dont talk back and dont ever fight.

Needless to say this was going to be one long lecture. I shall not bore you with the details. However the bottomline thought was, if he did want to marry someone who does not have brains, the ability to use the brain, and communicate via using the tongue...he would not have gone for me. If I am to listen to this wisdom, I should change my name to 'COW'...

Me - But if there is something to disagree about, dont you think i should speak up, gently but let my thoughts come out and then he will know what makes me happy and unhappy.
80yr old Aunt - He would know na. He does not want to make you unhappy anyways. So he will figure it out. Just remember he wants the best for you, he looks like a wise man and he will make you happy, you just need to keep quiet.

And then came the Pearls...
80yr old Aunt - Men like to think they are smart and they are the boss, we all know who rules the house anyways and its not them. Just dont go around publishing the fact in the papers, do what you want quietly and get your way without discussions. By displaying no ability to think, you will fool him into thinking you dont have a brain, so when you do something smart occasionally, he will listen to you and appreciate you. Men are NOT smart..just remember to not let them know that you know this.

Me - (thinking quitely) does she know she is a type of feminist, should I enlighten her or apply her teachings and keep quiet?

Lessons Learnt from Getting Married

The past month was long and tiring. But one of the happiest in my life. I got married and despite having attended a million weddings I think I was not prepared for the following:
- People staring at you, like constantly.
- Photographers are way more irritating than they seem
- Its endless advice about what to wear, how to walk, talk and eat
- Long lectures about how to keep your in-laws happy
- Longer lecutures about how to be an obedient wife (!!!)
- Unasked for advice about hair and makeup and dress
- Innumerable requests for photographs with people
- All children gravitate towards the bride
- Shoes, no matter how expensive hurt eventually
- Jewellery gets stuck, very badly, in embroidery
- Make up makes you look thin and then people think you dieted for the wedding
- Flames in the fire for the wedding go very high if you dont watch it
- You see friends and family you are dying to get around and mingle with, but you cant!
- Tiredness is killing, no matter how much you rested
- Sentiments run high, and no matter how hard headed or hearted, or strong..you WILL cry
- As much as you do enjoy your own wedding- you WILL be glad when its done and dusted

I sound like an ungrateful wench...I am not really. Its just that attending a wedding as a guest was SO very different from being the one with the spot light on!! I promise to be MUCH nicer to who ever gets married next!!!

Thanks...

Existence of peace,
lack of silence.
not alone anymore.
Dreams of peaceful serenity,
prayers of happiness,
wishes of good luck and longetivity.

Asleep in my dreams,
I wake up to silence,
and turn to see,
the face of peace and comfort.
Alone in my thoughts,
but aware of the presence.
The comfort of love,
and the arms of happiness.

Its the end of the phone,
the email and skype.
Its the end of phone cards,
and changing clocks to work out time.
To wonder and wander,
and think and wish.
Curse the distance,
and wish for wings.

Not alone,
not anymore.
Thanks! to the Powers that be!

Itching

Have been silent for a while. Have been busy..but I am brimming with things to write. Wedding, meeting friends and cousins I have not seen for years, being a shy (or trying to be) sweet girl, train travel by Bharatiya Rail and then a trip to the mountains in UP or UK as it may be known now. Another trip around Jammu city and I have absolutely stuffed with observations. Itching to blog...

The Silence shall be broken soon!!

Home Sweet Home

I go back now. Back home, to the family and friends.
Back for a month to India.
Back in 24 hours in desh.
I dont know if there shall be time to blog, if not I shall catch up on the blogging when I get back.

There remain some hesitations, some thoughts, some hopes and a few butterflies in my stomach.
And a tiny little knot of happiness..could not say bubble coz they tend to burst!!

Adios Amigos, shall see you later!!

Smile...

Unbidden thoughts walk in,
and pull a curve across my face.
Unknown dreams come to surface,
a bit of dread strikes.
Happiness is kept away,
from eyes of evil.
The Gods must not know,
that there are smiles here.

The last thought before sleep,
alludes and tickles like a feather.
The first face in the morning,
reminds me of the night.
The voice on the phone,
and the post conversation smile.
The promise in a new day,
of those hesistating smiles.

A burst of laughter on the train,
the baby chuckling in sleep.
The call of the morning birds,
the mist as it rises.
Early morning chills,
and the promise of the summer.
Daffodils in the vase,
by the window smile.

Sin!

SIN - is objectively easily defined. Subjectivity however qualifies it differently depending on what you think of an action or thought!

I had the chance to meet someone, who was worried about the oldest sin of them all..Adultery!
Married for the past 17 years with 2 children, this lady had been constantly flirting at work with a colleague of ours. Harmless exchanges had recently developed into pretty strong innuendos..and I must admit I was not highly suprised to see the events that followed.

Lame excuses galore came out about how the marriage is breaking down, and how she really did not want to be with him to start with but was pregnant and all that. Much tears and sniffles later it emmerged that she was no longer in love with the husband!

But thats not what I am thinking about right now. The question is - is it sinful to betray some one you dont love or care about? Is it then ok to betray them and hope they have somehow figured out that you no longer love them anyways? Is it a sin to fancy someone else apart from your partner? Or is that ok if you dont take that liking any further? Is a half truth (or a white lie) forgivable?

And who is the person we are seeking forgiveness from? God? Or the person we have betrayed? And does that forgiveness really count or matter? In the long run?

Its a debate I have seen many people go through in this society full of 'easy come, easy go'. The books here...kind of confirm the distortion of thinking about this act. And I never know the right advice / answer to give. According to them I am harsh because of my bottom line - it IS sinful, end of! You commit to someone you stick with it, there are never any excuses allowed..because they are all, always lame! I told that to my friend...and a fresh burst of tears followed..making me feel very guilty.

I dont know!!

Freedom? Happiness and Space?

Been doing some A-Z thinking again..and i could not figure where this one was leading..

"It is by not always thinking of yourself, if you can manage it, that you might somehow be happy. Until you make room in your life for someone as important to you as yourself, you will always be searching and lost" Richard Bach, Spoken by Leslie Parrish, The Bridge Across Forever

Along this line of thought came Sigmund Freud and said.."Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility."

However as fine lines go..there is a little space in between thinking about the other person and thinking for the other person. That little space is the only space you need in a relationship to keep your sanity I think. People I have read, and have spoken to argue vociferously for space...sometimes I am not sure if they are talking about the space to disagree or the space to not get involved. Not sure sometimes..

Definition

Location: Pub near the Motorway to London
Time: Night, The stars are out and its cold
Occassion: Smoke break which lead to wise thoughts
Discovered: A hilarious definition of a cynic

CYNIC: An optimist who has been happy slapped by reality!!

And when they are wrong...

Parents.
Owe them your life and your existence, owe them a lot for making you into who you are today. They always have your best interests at heart and would never do anything that would harm you or make you unhappy. Right?
Right?

You might agree..but ther are times when they know only so much and no more. Where your knowledge about something is better than theirs. Where you need advice but they are not the best people to give it. Our myth / belief/ faith that a parent will always know the right thing to do is shattered. But they are human too. So you need to go elsewhere to get advice..but thats ok.

But what do you do when they are wrong? Or you dont agree with them? When they suggest something that you really dont want to do. What do you do then? Argue with them? Convince them? Try and show them your point of view? What if they still dont agree. Worse they use their worst and most effective tool for applying pressure - Emotional Blackmail? What then?
Do you give up and give in and then do something you really dont agree with?

What if this has an impact on the rest of your life? What if it is a battle of wills? What if you know you shall be unhappy for a long time if you DO listen to them? Is it okay to doubt them and then not do as you have been told? You have listened and obeyed all your life but this once when you dont agree..you are put in a corner and told that you have been a disappointment. It might not feel too good.

I just wonder if there is a middle path with parents. There is bound to be a point when you dont agree with them, and cant convince them. They are bound to be wrong at some point. Where is the line between respect for them but the freedom and independence to do something else..without offending them and bringing along a whole course of tears and accusations and wails about 'useless children with no respect' and 'wasted time, energy and effort not to mention money' that has been ruined on this 'useless shameful' child.

Is there a middle path? Does reverse emotional blackmail then become a right choice?
I dont know!

Countdown

The countdown is on. To move into a new space and new place. A new identity and a new family. Hmm!
The weekend was spent thinking about new possibilities and visualising new situations.
As my head swirled with thoughts, I thought about the typical 'cold feet' situation. I dont have cold feet. Its more a realisation of how important moving ahead is, trust is, love is. Building blocks of relationships have created a new world into which I plan to enter.
Willingly, happily.
Yet there remains trepidation of the future. But a long time ago someone I love, trust and respect said, 'There are no assurances in life'.
So here I go. One more weekend spent thinking.

Week day and end

A knock to awake, a chime in your ear,
Bleary eyes and stuck lashes.
Gravity defying hair,
created by Mr.P.I.Llow
Half asleep cup,
of tea too hot to drink.
Burnt toast and jam,
just about put in.
Run with the toast and,
hope not to miss the bus.
Stare into the distance,
reach work and start.
Waiting for the days to slip past,
to let the weekend begin.
Life on the fast track,
a long list of things to do.
People to meet and friends to ring,
things to buy and empty the bin.
Plans made for the following week,
with an eye on the weekend.
Shall catch up on sleep,
and watch that program I waited for.
Hope it will be dry and warm,
did not expect to see the rain.
Stayed in hoping,
the next one will be better then this.
Weekend life,
In the weekend style.
Things to do,
as the clocks walk by.

Holi!

It came and went like it never were.
I was not intending to celebrate anyways. But I do miss the ability to...
The last time I did I was in school and since then (1995) it has not happened.
I dont miss the shoe polish in my hair or the silver paint on my nose and eyelashes.
I do miss the messing around and running for my life and hiding only long enough to catch my breath and I would be ambushed by someone else with colour!
As a child I hated the festival because I could never make out who is who. Also aat a 2 foot height most people would miss the bucket of water and by the dint of your height and the inability to look up and see whats going on I would get soaked by default and come out spluttering and gasping from a bukcet of cold coloured water!
Most Kashmiri's are not too keen to celebrate as it is too cold (or used to be) and its not really a Kashmiri tradition, but its part of the Hindu tradition of which we are part!
So happy Holi to those who played, and better luck next time to those who did not :)

Aaarrrgghh?? Anyone??

Do you ever feel that if you think and worry anymore about things you shall flip?
Are you ever so bothered about stuff that you know you are forgetting things that matter?
Do you ever get so wrapped up in thoughts that you know you are there...but..not really?
Stressed? Worried? Or maybe just plain tired?
Need to get away from it all? Run away, hide and...sleeeeep??

...and I now sound like an advert for a holiday plan!!
Not quite the intention here..this was just to say..my answer to all those is YES!!
A Loud Capital letters one!
Having one of those Aaarghhh!! days..well the past 2 weeks have been like that..so...hmmm!!

aaarghh?? anyone? or am I here alone?

Here Comes the Grump!

A cartoon series made a long time ago. A person I know is currently behaving in a similar pattern, this is in honour of him.

Here Comes the Grump was an animated cartoon series created by DePatie-Freleng Enterprises. The main character was a small, grumpy wizard who had put a spell of melancholy on the kingdom of the Princess Dawn. The Princess and her friend Terry Dexter (a boy from the "real" world) searched for the Cave of the Whispering Orchids where they would find a crystal key to break the spell while the Grump tried to stop them. The Princess also had a pet creature, Bip, who looked like a cross between a dog and an octopus, that could sniff clues like a hound dog. In most chapters, the Princess and her friends travelled in a flying car that was supported by a big balloon.
The premise of the series was that in each episode the Grump would fly on a dragon following Terry and Princess Dawn, searching for the cave. This led them to bizarre places with strange characters, such as the Blabbermouth of Echo Island, where the mountains were made of living Swiss cheese.
The series was very creative for its time (1969-1971) and the colors had psychedelic influences, predominantly red and pink. The Grump himself wore a pink outfit and the Princess' creature was red. A recurring gag was that at the very last minute when the Grump was about to catch up with Princess Dawn, the Dragon would sneeze and burn the little wizard.
The character of the Grump was based upon Yosemite Sam; both were created by Friz Freleng. The Grump's Dragon was the same exact one Sam had in Knighty Knight Bugs, right down to the fiery nasal explosions upon its master.
The series lasted one season and was rerun, the most recent being the airing on the SciFi Channel in mid 1990s. The complete collection DVD was released in January 31, 2006.

(from Wikipedia)

Death Cab for Cutie

Cant get enough of these people. Have been listening to Plans all through the weekend. Amazing lyrics and amazing music.

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
(Marching Bands of Manhattan)

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
(I will follow you into the Dark)

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
(Soul meets Body)