Monday, September 03, 2007

The Hostage Marriage

Why do marriages disintegrate? Are we are divorce happy generation? I can bet you know of some one..friend / family who is divorced/ going through divorce/ thinking about splitting..or all of the above..don't we all. But why?
Having been brought up in a stable loving family I have never seen my parents argue. Well one of them does not talk back at any single point of time..which is probably why they are not arguing. I did not know that walking out of a marriage was an option. Seeing my parents I assumed they always got along. I am sure they did not..but I never knew marriages are NOT written in stone much later.

I often feel the problem arises when people hold the divorce option open..a teeny crack..a tiny space where you know..if push comes to shove you shall dash out. If push comes to shove. But then the idea and the word conjures up the divorce mention its name and its present, watching, scoring points, being looked at by both spouses as a presence amidst them, noting down every wrong word and action, just in case its needed later. The devil works on your fear and ego and inability to resolve issues. It gives you options..hold its hand and walk straight out to a happier, freer, more fulfilling life. No adjustments, no problems, peace of mind and no stresses related to being in a marriage.
Its as tempting an option in the middle or an argument as a cigarette is to a stressed out ex-smoker, chocolate to a woman on diet..same know its bad for you, but its tempting none the less. This unwelcome visitor exists by the virtue of being recalled as a solution. Once the door is opened to an exit from a have to try pretty hard to shut it.

What upsets me is the fact that people use this devil as a bargaining tool within the relationship. If you don't do this, I shall leave you, If you dont stop doing that I shall leave you etc etc...and every statement like that brings this creature further into the home. In a relationship other than marriage its not a problem, you know you can get out without needing lawyers and courts, in most cases. But marriage, is a different ball game. You get into it for life, to stay together, work out issues and be together till one of you dies. Its a togetherness till eternity kind of situation.

Yes there is always an exit to a marriage and nothing is written in stone. But would it not be easier to pretend it was written in stone? A last resort should be left as just that..a last resort, not a stop over when you need it. Not a practice run for better behavior, not a dagger over a precious relationship. Yes its tempting to run when things get hard...but holding a relationship hostage by the dint of it not being written in not right.
Some things are hard, but there are always solutions. Its up to individuals to look at the solutions and options to make things work rather than hold the creatures hands and walk away to the courts. Dont look at it, dont bring it in! The divorce devil should stay out. With the door firmly shut on its face!


Soulmate said...

I agree that divorce is not a good solution but sometimes thats the only solution left.. Consider a case where one of the partner is just not ready to work towards it. All he/she wants is, create trouble in other's life.. I would like to mention the inclusion of in-laws as well.. What does a person do in that case?? How long can he/she suffer? Dont you think that everyone has a right to live atleast!!

Morpheus said...

Why would one want to create trouble? The idea is to get to the root of the problem and solve it. life does look miserable sometimes, but it does not mean you run out at the first sign of trouble. In-laws..are people outside a marriage and should be kept there.