When 3 is a crowd.

Marriage is a strange institution, those in will testify to it testing their limits and reaching points where you wonder why you did this to yourself, willingly and happily. Those who are married however will also tell you that there is a lot of good in it which is hard to explain and give examples of. Often you would find the Smug Married Couples egging on and fixing up dates for their single friends. Yes it has its downs and sad times, rough times and 'wonder why' and 'wish I had not' times but then nothing in life is ever smooth sailing anyways. You would disagree with your parents, siblings, colleagues, friends..and in the same queue is the spouse as well..expecting any different would be silly I would think. Marriages are strange but I still believe in the institution, why, is another post.

It comes to a point sometimes when marriages do not work out and then the legal systems of justice are sought to sometimes willingly, sometimes reluctantly, more than often painfully hand out the respite needed for a couple to part ways- divorce. Not easy, not fun, but currently becoming increasingly common. I am sure you know someone or of someone fairly close who has been divorced, its not uncommon and its not taboo anymore. Okay most people would rather not talk about it but that does not mean its not an increasingly common phenomenon in our society. This established lets move on...

On to the mid way point. The point where there are 3 in a marriage. Where one person deems it ok to seek comfort, warmth, love and solace elsewhere due to unhappiness in their marriage. Where one party is finding comfort knowing the marriage is not working and thus moving on. But is it really moving on? Are affairs justified in this day of easy divorce? I am sure there are many kinds of affairs, some to pass time, some to elevate boredom, some to test the greener grass, ego boosting affairs, what was i thinking affairs, i was lured into it affairs. But the ones which are I-was-unhappy-therefore does not make sense.

It is increasingly easy to dupe and lie as we all(men and women) work now, we have a life, friends, meetings, team building session, break away sessions, away days at work, the gym, the driving instructor, the IT guy, the interns etc etc..the list is endless. We meet people of all sorts, sit judgment on some, make friends with others, quite like somethings in someone, dislike others..social interaction on a daily basis with strangers is a part of our lives. We can choose to do what we want, think what we like, and come home..back to the person we married. The ability to meet someone new is constant. A problem at home might send you running in the direction of someone who looks remotely decent to you. Might be the wrong person..but to someone its escape..from the problems at home.

I know I am no one to sit judgement on someone else's life and decisions, but if a marriage has died, and you want to move on, would it not make more sense if you let the other person know. Close the chapter on it. Then move on. Are you not willingly hurting someone (agreed you dont care about them and dont love them anymore) but are you not going out of your way to hurt someone willingly by lying and doing what comforts you? Is it justified to hurt someone because you are unhappy?

Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage, agreed trust and honesty collapse when a marriage collapses,but what happened to mopping up the mess you make. And from the other persons (the affairee if such a term exists) point of view. Someone who is in a relationship with someone who is unhappy in a marriage, probably quite messed up in the head, who needs support yes, a shoulder maybe, but also practical sense, they do not need people to help mess them up even further.

I dont know quite what to think about this. I am quite anti-cheating. If you are sure enough that you want something else from your life, then be brave enough to express it, be strong enough to talk about it and be kind enough to let the other person out of the marriage as well as yourself.

In some culture I read about it says that when you lie you kill a part of your soul. Maybe it is true.

The Hostage Marriage

Why do marriages disintegrate? Are we are divorce happy generation? I can bet you know of some one..friend / family who is divorced/ going through divorce/ thinking about splitting..or all of the above..don't we all. But why?
Having been brought up in a stable loving family I have never seen my parents argue. Well one of them does not talk back at any single point of time..which is probably why they are not arguing. I did not know that walking out of a marriage was an option. Seeing my parents I assumed they always got along. I am sure they did not..but I never knew marriages are NOT written in stone much later.

I often feel the problem arises when people hold the divorce option open..a teeny crack..a tiny space where you know..if push comes to shove you shall dash out. If push comes to shove. But then the idea and the word conjures up the divorce devil..you mention its name and its present, watching, scoring points, being looked at by both spouses as a presence amidst them, noting down every wrong word and action, just in case its needed later. The devil works on your fear and ego and inability to resolve issues. It gives you options..hold its hand and walk straight out to a happier, freer, more fulfilling life. No adjustments, no problems, peace of mind and no stresses related to being in a marriage.
Its as tempting an option in the middle or an argument as a cigarette is to a stressed out ex-smoker, chocolate to a woman on diet..same situation..you know its bad for you, but its tempting none the less. This unwelcome visitor exists by the virtue of being recalled as a solution. Once the door is opened to an exit from a marriage..you have to try pretty hard to shut it.

What upsets me is the fact that people use this devil as a bargaining tool within the relationship. If you don't do this, I shall leave you, If you dont stop doing that I shall leave you etc etc...and every statement like that brings this creature further into the home. In a relationship other than marriage its not a problem, you know you can get out without needing lawyers and courts, in most cases. But marriage, is a different ball game. You get into it for life, to stay together, work out issues and be together till one of you dies. Its a togetherness till eternity kind of situation.

Yes there is always an exit to a marriage and nothing is written in stone. But would it not be easier to pretend it was written in stone? A last resort should be left as just that..a last resort, not a stop over when you need it. Not a practice run for better behavior, not a dagger over a precious relationship. Yes its tempting to run when things get hard...but holding a relationship hostage by the dint of it not being written in stone..is not right.
Some things are hard, but there are always solutions. Its up to individuals to look at the solutions and options to make things work rather than hold the creatures hands and walk away to the courts. Dont look at it, dont bring it in! The divorce devil should stay out. With the door firmly shut on its face!