Monday, October 30, 2006


You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self.

Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain
you don't have anything to learn from them.

You're always free to change your mind
and choose a different future, or a different past.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
- from "Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah" by Richard Bach

Thursday, October 26, 2006


We often live on our own planets...we live well and truly engulfed in our busy lives. Wrapped with things to do, things to see, shopping lists, social visits, time for work, time for fun, time to think. Sometimes we are SO busy we forget to see the things around us..yes we look at them, but we dont see them. We dont live up to promises made, we try but something 'more' important comes up..there is never a moment when we can say..and now..I shall do..nothing. I shall just sit here and do nothing at all.

Very rarely does anyone sit and do nothing. Just sit, empty your head of thoughts and things to do and just sit. Dont sleep, dont watch TV, dont listen to music..its not the same thing. We tend to cram our lives with meaningless noise. People we have to meet, things we have to do, places we have to go to, movies we must watch, TV programs that cant be missed, emails that have to be sent..its just one thing after the other. And if we dont watch it thats what life becomes.

Doing nothing..nothing at all is an art, very few of us know how to practice it. Itis almost as if there is pressure to never waste a moment, to always be busy, to always be doing something. Wasting time is something everyone frowns about. It should not be..every single moment cant be productive...sometimes you have to do nothing. Learn how to waste time sometime. Try it. Do nothing.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Post Diwali Thoughts...

I always sit and reassess the year gone by every Diwali and also every 31 Dec :) Thinking gets major-ly enhanced when I am sick. Which I am again..acute tonsillitis..which means I cant speak!! To me nothing worse could happen..if i cant is not worth living, this morning it is compounded into an ear infection which means I cant hear much either...SUCH FUN!!! SO I can read and write...

here is the current list of random thoughts in my head...
- Oh dear this year went past quick, only last Diwali I was here partying.
- Wonder what I will be doing and where I will be next Diwali.
- This is the 7th Diwali I have spent away from home, maybe next year I shall be home.
- Its not far to Christmas, thank heavens I dont have to buy X'mas gifts for everyone I know.
- must buy new year and x mas cards while they are still around.
- Want to go home for Xmas as usual. Manupulative monopolistic aviation industry has hiked its xmas prices for travel as usual.
- Maybe this Xmas I shall go to a mountain cottage and sit and stare at some snow at night
- Why does winter make me ill and full of thoughts?
- When will my voice come back, not being able to talk is a PAIN...a real pain. The only good thing is I cant teach either, so I get a break from work.
- what is it about Khaled Hussaini's Kite runner, that makes me want to read it again and again and cry each time?
- Why is warm soup and a warm duvet the best thing you can get when ill? Are there better things?
- Why do I think so much? and so randomly?

Monday, October 16, 2006


Well after cribbing a LOT. I am finally feeling good enough to blog without whingeing :)
I am back to the world of the healthy alive human beings. It does feel good..and its a cliched thought but being unwell is so depressing, it breaks your spirit, lying in hospital connected to machines that bleep and ping and feed you.
We take it for granted that every day of our good health is something that we obviously get. We assume every night we sleep that we WILL, Ofcourse, get up well and good the next morning. I am not being negative here, but it does feel good to be able to do that again. To wake up, jump out of bed, make a cup of tea, wash, bathe, dress, comb my hair..everything..I can do everything. And I am happy.
Its back to a mountain of work..but I shall not crib. Feels good to be ALIVE!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Recovering thoughts...

Sometimes thoughts come to your head, without prior warning, without any links to what you are doing or were planning to do. Just thoughts from nowhere. Sometimes I banish these to be brought out and chewed later, almost cud like.
Sometimes I have to sit and think them out.
Last night I sat and thought and thought and thought...came to no conclusion. Tried to sleep, that did not work. Sat and sulked for a while, feeling sorry about a lot of things..then eventually sleep claimed me.

I guess just feeling a bit blue after being ill. Being ill is rather horrible but the slow recovery period is worse, when you are not ill enough to lie in bed, sedated with medicines. But you are not well enough to walk about and carry on as normal. When you get tired too easily and then get grumpy. And it comes out on the people around you, who probably are the closest to you emotionally. Nothing is funny because it just aint. Nothing is entertaining. Nothing is nice. Everything is silly and stupid. Having spent so much time horizontally and within confined spaces, getting out and walking is nice. Having also been constantly surrounded by people does not help if you are the kind that likes their space. If you are a routine type person, then not having that routine of daily life is irritating.

I guess as I get better I shall feel more like myself. Right now I feel like a grump.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Fine lines...

When does a disagreement become a battle of wills?
When does a spot of sulking turn into long negative moods?
When does a shake of a head turn into constant criticism?
When does constructive arguing turn into an ego contest?
When does a spat become a basis of path changing?
When does having an opinion different from the others become an independent streak?

There are fine lines in every relationship. It is up to us to recognise those and talk through them. Shutting and avoiding, shoving them under the carpet will get you no where.

Like a wise friend once told love means, "to love inspite and despite what happens or is said'

To me a long happy relationship is based on a unbreakable friendship. When you know you can scream, shout, vent your unhappiness, reveal your insecurity, show your fears and your tears and still be able to hug and kiss. thats it. You have got it!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Silence of a Ward

Dark corners and crevices, silent moans and groans, the smooth whine of a bed as it flattens out automatically, the rumble of wheels of the glucose trolley, hushed voices. Serious looking notices and charts and quiet worried people. Shadows moving in the night, busy and quick. Moving on, moving on, moving on to the next patient.
Hospitals are strange places. You only go when you are in a lot of trouble, you only stay if there is going to be more trouble. Silent faces, empty spaces, as patients come and go. Nurses move quietly, just a hint of a rustling curtain as they come to check on me during the night. The morning murmur of visitors, some worried, some carrying flowers, magazines and chocolates, others just trying to smile and be normal as they worry inside their heads.
Being in hospital was no fun!! The fact that doctors here are so keen to cover their asses in case of patients suing them does not help at all. They tell you all the options and leave the decision making to you. There is no point to that is there, if I was smart enough to make medical decisions about myself would I not be a Doc myself? The amount of paperwork they do in UK hospitals is not funny either, everyone I saw at night, nurses, sisters, wardens, doctors, surgeons, students...everyone at some point sat and filled forms..forms and more forms.
Being by myself at night, no TV, no book, no phone was not helpful either. I lay there observing people and the place. Thinking nasty MRSA thoughts and also some positive, I shall get out soon thoughts. The sounds of the ward were unique.