Friday, July 29, 2005


tough to describe and impossible to imagine and existence without them..
this is what i thought so far...add to it if you will...
..a mix of warm soup and hot tea on a cold wet day....
...a warm blanket and a soft jumper...
...a soft cool breeze with a pleasant perfume...
...a cuddly pillow with a soft cover...
...gentle hands and a loving touch..
...worried looks and concerned conversations...
...welcome smiles and unconditional love...

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

time moves slow..

you are dying to go wee...
you are dying to go home...
you are hungry, so hungry you could die...
you are waiting for someone...
you are trying to get a quick decision...

This is Sod's law i think in UK.

I am waiting for the time to pass quick so I can get home, be home and close to everyone who I love. Be home and relax and get over mental stresses and the dialy wear and tear of living in this country.
Want to..
Go home and blank out the myriad thoughts in my head.
Go home and not cook, clean or wash.
Go home and not take a bus or train or cab or drive
Go home and get licked to nothing by a fat black dog.
Go home and be loved to bits.
Go home and sit in the sun.
Go home and get a decent hair cut.

The list is endless...and its directly proportinal to the pointlessness of my existence here!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Life throws things..

And then do we have an option? Some thing gets thrown at were not prepared and it knocks you out. Does that mean you can't get up and face it? Or does it mean there shall be more like it?
It is strange - the things that come to you, for you and at you in life. The options are...sit down in shock, moan about it, think about it or get up and walk again and be prepared for the next snowball. And hope you will be able to dodge it!
There are always options...

The ability to chose = Freedom

Friday, July 22, 2005

Not here anymore...

Feels like I am here, but only just. I am here physically but in my head I am an observer..watching life go by. Watching buses and people, trees and buildings and ....and nothing....nothing. My mind is blank and I am numb.
Just in a visitor mode today. I dont want to be here but I dont want to go away either. I just want to sit and feel nothing...I am not here anymore...

Current song in head...

When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like 2 balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again,I can't explain.
You would not understand, this is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Floyd, Comfortably Numb, The Wall

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


This is Portobello beach in Scotland, not far from Edinburgh. It was not exactly a hot sunny day but kids with spades and buckets were about. As usual I spent my time picking up shells and pebbles. Sat and stared at affectionate yet dumb Labs fetching sticks that were thrown into the sea. The water here is cleanish but you would not really want to swim in it because it is freezing.

In Edinburgh and I am climbing up a small hill (they call it mountain) called Arthur's seat. Inappropriate climbing gear, but I went shopping, saw the hill and wanted to go up to the top. And after half an hour or more of wheezing and panting I did manage to reach the top. It was well worth the climb, even in a skirt and running shoes!! Which I had just bought (pink bag on my back has sandals)

Thought Labyrinth

Lying in bed thinking thoughts.

One leads to another and that links to a disconnected one. I start from point A and might end at point C which I reach via Z, M and Q. A random pattern of thoughts that weave, skim, link and return, twist and connect, go round and inside out. A never ending chain. And then I stop and trace them back to the original kick off thought.

I cover most ground of thinking - work and my to do list, my loved ones, mistakes I have made, my current low, my happy thoughts, current scary thoughts, my promising thoughts, need to pay the phone bill thoughts, have to write my next chapter in the thesis thoughts, need a haircut thoughts, have to go shopping before I go on vacation thoughts, where is my friend who had an accident thoughts, what to buy as birthday gifts thoughts, would the Virgin flight be any better than last time thoughts, how hot will it be in India thoughts..... (this is the first one minute i think)
...... and it goes on and on till I look at the clock and realise I have been spinning myriad thoughts for the past half an hour.

Is it because my brain was working out solutions and this was a residue from last nights rest or is it just another excuse to lie in bed for another half an hour?

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

When everything feels like the movies..

Sometimes I wonder, it me..or is life as strange as this..always?
Is it my life that feels strange, roller coaster type or does everyone feel the same way?

Parts of songs come to mind

'When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know youre alive.'

Iris, City of Angels. Goo Goo Dolls.
'Many times I’ve lied
Many times I’ve listened
Many times I’ve wondered
How much there is to know.'
Over the Hills and Far Away, Led Zeppelin
and I continue to ponder...

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Too hot to handle

Have you ever felt so hot...that you think you will melt into a little puddle on the ground?
Have you ever thought that ice cream is the best thing in the world?
Have you ever felt so hot that you take off your shoes and walk office?
Are you a fan of Roohafza with cold water and loads of ice?

My answer to these is YES!!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Visiting earth...

As I sit here,
thoughts of home visit my mind.
I draw an invisible glass shield,
I am a visitor
from another time and place.
Sent here to watch, observe, look and listen.
Work as all do,
live as all should.
Exist in this space in this time
for a while.
Someday I shall go back to my world.
And then my real life will begin.
Someday when everyday shall feel real
When everyday shall be happy
Enough to stop me from dreaming futures.
I think,
as I sit.
I know what I want and I shall live in this time
Till my time and destiny click in an ancient hour glass
And I shall come back to life.

Monday, July 11, 2005

what about today?

After 9/11 there was a spate of marriages and people going out to do things they have waited for a long time to do.
At some levels this is happening in London too...people know life is unpredictable and things change and you may never get to see the face of the person you love the most again. There might not be a 'someday' or a 'sometime'...the time is now. Now is good!!!
Its sad to note that something as gruesome as a bomb makes people sit up and realise that freedom, health, liberty and security is not a god given right ...and should not be taken for granted.
Everyday is good. Time is now. You know what to do. Do it. Just do it..dont think...dont deliberate..just walk out and do something today that you have been meaning to do for a long time.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Thursday, July 07, 2005

London July 07

Bomb blasts..
we look on...with augury of the old. With tired old eyes which have seen this and felt this before.
I am ashamed to know we live in such a world where actions like these make people take notice.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The G8

I have been away...I am in Edinburgh...watching the nation of free people...who go out to free other people in Iraq and Afghanistan, beat the shit out of thier own people.
The last time i checked this was a free country. And since Monday all I have seen is heavy handed riot police asking people to shut up. Hmmmm...I think. Did we give them the right to rule us or govern us. There is a difference.
So yes, I have been away..watching with scepticism and the tiniest glimmer of hope (that cant die) that the High and Mighty who are at Gleneagles right now..might just listen to the people who have put them in the decision making place.
Shall put some pictures of Edinburgh up soon.

'Freedom is the right to say No'