Saturday, December 31, 2005
One last chance to look back fondly at a year which presented challenges and hopes. And which went by like a flash. It was a good year. I smiled, laughed, and thought good thoughts.
Next year, will bring its own bundle of news - ups and downs, lets see. I dont know what it will be like next year on the 31 -12 -2006....but on 31-12-2005 I am pretty happy with all my fingers crossed. And I wish anyone who has been reading this...all the very best. May the year bring smiles and peace your way!!!
Friday, December 30, 2005
Am spending the days sitting in the mild sunshine...on the roof, shelling peas and waiting for the cauliflower and turnip, the big red chillies filled with spices pickle and the black carrot in water (kanji) pickle to cook in the sun so I can have some before its time to leave.
Once again I am surrounded by the smells of India. The smells of dust and pollution, of big fat stumps of agarbatti in the shops first thing in the morning. Of fresh flowers being sold on the streets for goddesses and Goddesses. The sound of the kabadiwala as he asks for your newspapers, the far away honking of a truck on the highway. The smell of food on the street, and freshly ironed clothes. The crowing of the birds in the morning. People talking loudly, selling vegetables on push carts, selling hot aloo tikkis in the evening, attracting people by knocking on the pan with the spoon.
Its familiar in an odd way.
Its almost like reacquanting myself with memories which are getting buried deeper and deeper in my mind as I stay away from India for longer periods of time...
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
So, lights off and just when I was getting warmed up lying in bed..I thought I heard something. The house I am in has been broken into before and I admit I am a bit paranoid about any sounds now. So...I sat up in bed and waited for more noise. Some scraping and tapping but none of the alarms or lights came on. The movement sensors did not pick anything yet either.
Went back to sleep..woke up again with more noise. This time I was sure there is something other than the central heating kicking in. So I went to look out of the window into the garden...and the movement sensor lights came on suddenly. Caught in the glare was a magnificent fox, its fur standing up straight as it was scared. Bright red and gold he was with a bushy tail. It was closer to a wolf..except for his triangular ears and he looked straght at me with golden eyes. We were both paralysed for a moment. And then quick as a flash he was gone between the apple trees and the fence. He had been looking for food in the bins. Te natural habitat being monopolised by human development.
It was strange to see wildlife outisde the mandatory railings or glass walls, and that too in London. Face to face with just a door in between, knowing he is standing where I stand every morning to get the rubbish out.
Strange!! Very strange.
Nice! Very nice.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
There was no place to stand let alone walk last afternoon. The great British tradition of putting everything on sale on Boxing day continues...the news even makes it to the front page of the BBC this morning with stores opening at 5am!!! People actually queue up outside much before the opening. I dont want to get all philosophical about material culture of the British society in the 2000s, but cant help pondering about it.
A friend and I went shopping too...curiousity can NOT be curbed you see, we could not be bothered to enter stores where you have to claw your way in, kick your way out. Also the fact that there is no space in the afore mentioned suitcase or for that matter my cupboards at home..SO!
So, we went to the food section in Selfridges..found Aloo Vada (potato cutlets) and green chutney...came outside..sat on a bench near a traffic light on Oxford street..ate...and watched the world shop by!!fun!
Monday, December 26, 2005
Now I know how our man Branson is this rich!!
So no more gift shopping. I shall sit on my suitcase and shut it, be an atypical Indian and travel light for a change!!! No plans to make Branson richer than he already is!!
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Feeling my strings of attachment being stretched across the seven seas as physical distance increases.
Waiting for the days to pass till the wait is over.
Thinking about all the smiles and laughter shared.
Feeling the emptiness and hole in life left behind.
Keeping busy and occupied all the time to fill in the gaps.
Constant thinking and then, more thinking.
This is me this christmas, missing the love.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Not really..I am generally a happy, sunshiny person but things get to me and then I can groan like no tomorrow. Well the deal is I had tonnes to do...as usual. My to-do lists run into meters :) And i like it that way. Being unoccupied and boring is worse than being dead :)
I am all done now..things sorted. things packed. All sorted. Yes I am an efficient person. But the process to getting anything done is...
Much shaking of head and cribbing at the thought of work
Frowning and muttering...
Much thinking about how to get out of it.
Realisation (and buddha moment) that I should and could do it.
BIG smile on face
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Now I am thinking why do I do such things to myself. As if battling with a thesis which seems to crop more problems than Medusa's chopped heads, a life which has a life of its own, a fridge which seems to be eat its own food, clothes that seem pathetic the minute I have paid for them, a room which demands cleaning almost as often as a baby's bum, bills that seem to be generated by a psychotic computer...as if...these were not enough. Now I have to go home and I shall not be on vacation..I shall have a working vacation. Hmmmm!!! Atleast the clothes shall be washed, the food cooked and the dishes cleaned by someone other than me...all I have to do is work and walk to dog, and ofcourse talk (which is my favourite indulgence, even before chocolate)
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Sometimes you think, yes i am stressed and worried, but you are not really.
Sometimes you are ok and you think this is about as fine as i get, but you know you can be much better.
Its strange when you base your decision making on people who you dont know. Its strange to hang on tenter hooks for the future of your own happiness.
Is it not strange that we find what makes us happy and then wait for other people to decide if its ok or not?
Does happiness come with a 'be selfish' tag, or a 'must get approval' tag.
I dont know.
I am heading home in a weeks time. Back to India. Meanwhile the mundane elements of travelling have to be sorted..the packing, the throwing the food you wont eat, cleaning the house, taking tickets and passport, buying last minute gifts and then the eternal wait at Heathrow. Its easy to say bye when I am leaving, however I dont like to be the left. Surpirsingly both shall happen to me over a period of 3 days.
So I dont think I am ok. I dont like being away from the people I love and so, much as I like the knowing that I shall meet again, the knowledge of the impeding Bye bye is bugging me.
This entry shows, I am ok, but not really. I am fine you know. Just that thinking too much as seems to be my latest hobby. Well atleast I have three novels to get through in the journey and as above, plenty of thinking. I will be just fine. Now I am straving and so going home to eat!! Hunger rules!!
Monday, December 19, 2005
..and then about opening presents, sending thank you cards, tidying up the mess, getting rid of the weight gain from over indulgence, paying higher bills and credit cards, taking out loans toi manage payments for gifts.
This IS the season to be jolly..does that mean suling for the rest of the year.
This IS the season to give and share...and the season does finish, apparently.
For anyone who is stressed out about this...season...its Christmas..be happy. And relax, let it snow and let the love you have for your nears and dears grow.
For all those who are not participants in the Christmas show...have a decent winter, wrap up and warm and enjoy what seems to be the coldest winter yet!! And if you can...help a friend de-stress about it.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Is it the surname? (In which case everyone whose mothers are not Kashmiri dont count)
Is it the appearance? (In which case fair skin, brown hair, light eyes and a Long nose is typified)
Is it the location? (Does one have to live in Srinagar, or the valley. So everyone in Jammu is out)
Is it the language? (Does that include people who speak, or understand only, or all those who dont get it at all as well, we all know Kashmiri is a dying language)
Is it the culture? (Of celebrating Navreh, Shivratri etc)
Or is it the traditions? (Of religous and daily significance)
I think it might be a mix of all the above and one way or the other people fit in. A lot more people meet a lot many criteria. Should we include the fact that people that contribute back to their own community are those who really are from the community?
How important is identity to us? Is it important to preserve it and keep the 'purity' within the community. Or is it important to pass on what we know and cherish on to the next generation?
What is our stand on who we are and where we belong? Are we a 'we' at all? With so much movement and migration, mingling and marriages - a lot has changed. Is it all good? What holds us together as a community, if at all?
Does is matter as long as we are happy?
Everyone has an opinion on this one..I know...
There are 3 types of men...I know I am generalising and being judgemental (despite previous blogs)..but hey this IS my blog I can say What I want :) ALWAYS.
Category one: Mummy's boy..
Will listen to mummy and mummy shall think for him. He saves his brains (if any) and lets other people make a decision for him. He will never disagree with the powers that be and shall never have opinions, likes and dislikes of his own. Mummy daddy will decide what he should study, where from, what to wear and what type fo friend, later on who to marry and what and when to do with the wife. I have friends like this and I know some lovely people who fit into this category.
Category two: Man with Mind of his own.
This type thinks he knows it all. He knows his mind, he knows his tastes and he knows what he wants. What he wants is approval from his mummy about everything. What to wear he decides, how does it look, she decides. He then decides whether he wants to listen or not. This type want to do the independent thing..of going his own way, making his own decisions, finding his own girl. But then ditching it all to go along with what mummy finds for him. So he has his fun with his imaginary intelligence and independence and the goes and conforms and marries the girl mummy chose for him. Okay quite a few of the people I know fit into this category..they may not like to accept it..but they do.
Category three: The Perfect man.
This type has high regard for his parents and will not do anything to hurt or offend them. He listens to them and then thinks about what they have to say. He then either agrees with them or shows then his point of view. He does not think that life is easy and perfect but he does know he needs to stick up for his own happiness and decisions. He shall apologise for his mistakes but not be held guilty for them for the rest of his life. He would like acceptance but not neccesarily approval. Now this is virtual reality here...know very few people like this. Maybe I know the wrong men!!
Its time for you to see where you fit and also see if there are more categories that exist. I dont think they do...but people have opinions and they are welcome!!
I am have been singing this one with a lot of 'whatever whatever'...and 'and i will love yous'
Dont know about you but i find it immensely irritating to wake up with a song in your head and have to sing it all day long. What makes it worse is when you dont recall all the lyrics. And to top it off you are nowhere near google to hunt it down. AARRGHHH.
So i came near a comp and here is the song...
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you
you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time,
I say a little prayer for you.
you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.
My darling believe me,
For me there is no one
Monday, December 12, 2005
Scrolling past my work I realise that I talk a lot about the 'past'...for a person who is rearing to get ahead and move into the future..it sounds strange.
Maybe I hook back more often than I thought. So from today I shall try not to talk about a past that has been laid to rest.
Let me talk about the future..about the prospect of being home in 17 days time. Being at home, being fed and watered and talked to constantly and licked by the super friendly dog. Being in India in the winter..with the fog and the smog and the smell of roasted peanuts and popcorns in the air, faded headlights of oncoming vehicles, the black carrots season and the cauliflower and turnip pickle cooking in the sun, the push carts of Gajjak and Revari. Warming my feet by putting them on the obese spaniel who lies wrapped in my duvet at the bottom of my bed. Drinking cups of tea with a hint or ginger and cardamom..ahhhhh!!! Stepping out of bed to make a record dash to the loo and jump right back into the warm bed, changing from day clothes to night clothes which are cold to touch, having hot steaming plates of food and then going to sleep squashed and buried under a newly beaten and re-stuffed rasai, the weight of which sometimes makes breathing difficult. I forgot to mention lying in the sun with a shawl on my face...warming up :) Sounds a bit like paradise..which is what it is!! I am counting the days
So..on the 9th...I turned all of 28...speeding away towards 30 and loving it. I think I am older and wiser and maturer...mum tends to think otherwise..(but then she always does)
It was uneventful till about half an hour before midnight..and then I was very pleasantly surprised by a person I love armed with a cake and candles, standing at my door!! Happiness!!! Perfection...I love surprises specially when they are done out of love!!
So I got a well deserved excuse for not going to work...called in sick (lied on my birthday)..and had a lovely day. Dinner and drinks later I lay tucked into bed...Happy. Thinking, if the way you spend your birthday is an indicator of how the following year shall be, then yes I am pretty sure I shall have a great year.
I dont know if at these advanced years of mine its a celebratory day..for me its more like reflecting on the year gone by and how it was and where I am now as compared to last year on 9-12-04 . A long way away from unhappiness and uncertainity..thats the answer. Touch wood-bly happy and smiling. So I guess its all good. Here is me on the day I turned older...
Thursday, December 08, 2005
'Thank you for keeping my phone. I want to bless you (and take you out to dinner) because you have blessed me. I really appreciate it, my name is(...)and my number is(...)!!'
One good turn and all that. But come to think of it...it is a bad bad bad thing when one loses a handbag / wallet or cell phone...I would not mention PDA and Filofaxes...shudder to think of that. Our lives our linked by tiny silvery slivers to the people who we know...the most important ones are those whose numbers can be dialled in the dark without even looking at the keypad...rest are memory related, though as important at times. These slivers lie intercoonected in our contacts folders/ PDAs/cellphones/filofaxes/laptops etc...and a life after the loss of these is difficult to imagine. The importance of the contacts is directly proportional to the 'bad-ness' of the loss I think.
How much would life change with these material loses?
Stop the philosophy...I am quite happy to receive so heartfelt and thankful a note from someone who obviously is in love with their Nokia!!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I think it is fair to judge and approximate..it being a fair world (at some level hopefully) and given the fact that one is generally (assuming again) smart enough to know how to judge.
The problem comes when we judge unfairly or critically and harshly and becomes worse when we do so with a bias in our mind. In a fair world (i use the horrifying word again) everyone would be equal, no discrimination on the basis of colour, caste, race, religion, sex etc. In a fair world you would judge people according to who they are and not what they are.
Honestly speaking how many of us do that?
Can you honestly say you dont discriminate?
And if you do...do you think you should do something about it?
Is it not time to stop disliking and judging..god knows there is enough hate in this planet for it to self destruct...
Am i being naive?
or am I being judgemental and judging you for your biases and discrimination? Are we not all unique snowflakes ? (like I mentioned before)
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I made mistakes...and I paid heavily for them. I did my time with depression and hurt and pain and tears and why-am-I-alive thoughts...Been there done that. I have paid my dues and I shall not be penalised for it again.
I have found happiness again and I am not about to give up on it because of some overdue fines which might be levied on me. I have fought tooth and nail to get out of being...
I am happy and I wont let anything come between me and my happiness ever again. God knows I deserve some now.
I might be sounding militant...but each one of us has a chance to be happy...we can grab that and be happy or let go and live with a life time of if and i-wish situations. Believe in something...GO for IT!!!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
She knocks in a few home truths as well as what she thinks is right, tacked on very smartly at the end with a ' You do what you want, after all you are a young independent person'.
Is it something all of us young, independent (financially and otherwise) women have to face?
We are 'responsibility' till we are married and then we are someone else's responsibility..ie.husband.
I don't want to be anyone's responsibility, it makes me sound like I cant be left to my own devices to fend for myself. I do believe in good relationships which make you happy and secure and loved. But I would not get into one just to please the parents who don't see singledom as a voluntary option which can actually make you happy (for a while atleast).
Coming back to the point, mothers have this insanely perfect way of telling you what they think you should do, which is put diplomatically into conversations without ruffling feathers.
Whether it starts with the 'we are growing old..etc etc' or the 'now you are old enough..' this is Age school of thought. Heaven forbid the biological clock dimension comes in..then you are dead. There is no arguing the post-30-baby syndrome.
The other approach is 'You lead a stressful life, you need someone to share the load of it...' why do this to yourself when you can take it easy'...
Another school of thought which is not exactly diplomatic is the 'we met a really really nice young man...' This is when you say OH NO!!!!
And you know she is reaching the 'I give up on you' statement when she says...'Look, we are trying, if you have someone in mind, let us know..we are okay with it...'
At the end of the whole..we have been through this, and I know what you think, and yes I will think about it, comes the reasonable part. We don't want to push you into a wrong match and so you think. We just want you to be happy. And just when you think this is last time you have had this discussion..wait till she rings you back to see how your day was...and starts again. I fear to think what it would be like if she figures there might just be a certain young man in my mind..will she run and put up billboards of other Kashmiri pandits she wants me to look at or will she want to shoot this one person who threatens the only chance she might have to find the perfect groom for me. I do wonder...
Always loved experiments in school and in Psycho class in LSR..let me see......I want to ring and test my theory!!
Monday, November 28, 2005
And then I got my hair chopped short AGAIN. Short mop of curls on my head. Got rid of the curly longish locks...got this crop instead. Now its back to wash, walk!! Also makes wearing a cap in the cold a possibilty coz there is no danger of ruining my hairstyle.....Short hair = Virtually no hairstyle.
Amelia Jane, Imp and Elf...dont care much about names...but I dont have the patience to have long hair. I like it!!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
as i silently kick myself for not bringing along a camera.
Friday, November 18, 2005
One relaxing Saturday and then pack on Sunday..heading to Cardiff in Wales on Monday...back on tuesday, off to London on Friday..for a Hen Party..Ahhhh!! Busy-ness as usual :)
Stop the world I want to get off might happen pretty soon.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
I spend a lot of time thinking about what I eat and what I dont
I also spend a lot of time listening to well intended lectures "in my best interest" from family and friends.
And I spend a lot of time remembering to eat this stuff at the right time in the right quantities.
And this morning I woke up...with a bad bad BAD cold, a really sore throat and fever. I dont know why! I eat right, live the right way, sleep the right amount, walk about quite a lot, eat at the right time, dont skip breakfast and live a boringly well planned food life and still this nasty blocked nose, heavy head..that even the Coldarin wont cure...WHY? WHY? WHY?
hang on it gets better....
On the bus to work I read the paper, which had a report about how people in UK overdose on vitamins and minerals and these can hamper health.
Am I in shock...No ...not really, am not exactly a softie.
Am I surprised...well perhaps a bit.
Am I pissed off...OH YEAHHH!! Big time.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Where do I begin to tell the story
Of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start
With her first hello
She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine
They'll never be another love another time
She came into my life and made the living fine
She fills my heart
She fills my heart with very special things
Angel songs and wild imaginings
She fill my soul with so much love
That any where I go I'm never lonely
With her around who could be lonely
I reach for her hand
She's always there
How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now
But this much I can say
I know I'll need her until the stars all burn away
And she'll be there
How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now
But this much I can say
I know I'll need her until the stars all burn away
And she'll be there
Some bits of the film, which are also bits from the book (screenplay overlaps) have stuck into my head.
"Love means never having to say you are sorry"
Oliver Barret III
"..I give you my hand, I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give my yourself? Will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?"
Remember reading this book when I was in class 12...years and years and years ago..well 10 years ago actually..and loving it. Crying through it and reading it over and over again. Well I saw the film after 8 years and it still moved me.
About Shrek...its just unbeatable..the Puss in the Boots and the irritating donkey...TOO MUCH!!
In other news..just spent 5 hours travelling down from Scotland..its amazing how the landscape changes even in a small country like this. I spent the train journey with an old couple who were going to holiday on the coast, with a very small, but VERY fat dog. The dog wanted my Kit-Kat and so sat on my feet for 4 hours, and stared right up at me all through..which, coz I love dogs, I dont mind..but this was one greedy dog with soulful eyes, kind of like the one I have back home. You have to share whatever you eat or you would not be able to digest it. So yup..5 hours in the train, of which I spent some time reading some books, writing some parts of my PhD thesis and then bumping into people I would rather forget.
Is it not amazing how some people..when you look back, meant the world to you and now, you are probably not in touch, and probably dont even want to be. They fade into the background as the 'important' shoes get filled by other things or people. Some people who you thought were amazing when you were a kid, seem ordinary and not so amazing now. Some scenarios which you think were impossible..maybe even a year ago, are not only possible but very real now.
Its amazing how life just turns, turns, turns..and you make plans of eternal happiness, permanent jobs, future qualifications, far away dreams of far away lands which you shall travel one day...plans and even more plans..and meanwhile God probably smirks and life keeps turning.
But I seriously believe that things happen for your own good..there is a Masterplan which you wont know..but your happiness is central to it.
Is happiness, the lack of unhappiness, or another state of mind altogether? I wonder....
Whatever it is..I am happy as of now. Happy in a peaceful, smiling gently, drifting into sleep kind of way..hmmmmm!! Why should I not be...I am a snowfalke..and that cant be bad? right my friend?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
What would it be like if a printer could be connected to the images in the brain?
I have plenty in my head to fill a blog..
Images of women smiling as they finally put a baby to sleep. Faces of people who have just won a rugby match. Thoughts...and how thoughts look when interwoven and then broken by a phone call! Smiles...when the face remains still but in your head you are smiling...
Loads to do..lets see how many of these I can depict from behind a camera..
Have a feeling a painting shall flow out of my fingers this weekend which shall draw the photograph if I cant shoot it
Gap jeans..wear very well. Guilt levels still high.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Being a believer in Fair Trade and other such concepts..I have never bought Nike, GAP and avoid paying for coffee at Starbucks and McD. BUT....I bought these infernal jeans and my soul will not rest. Due to my buying somewhere in Indonesia is being paid a platry sum for working ridiculous hours...Someone told me GAP has changed its CSR policy. I shalll scout for proof of this so I can let me sould rest.
Being melodramatic am I? Well I had a nasty ngithmare to accompany the guilt factor...amongst other things. So I dont think so!!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Read somewhere in an obituary..'She lead a full life'...I am trying to lead an overfull life...or is everyone as mad as me.
I am happy...really tired but happy...happy with what I have chosen and happy with what I have..though some people might think I crib..I dont. I like this.
Tired but not dead, exhausted but not finished, down but definitely not out!!!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I thought I was crazy...I like teaching at the Prison...I like being able to motivate young people who have had sad lives full of crime and challenges. It makes me feel positively priveleged and happy. And also lucky that I am at some level able to make some difference to some one's life.
And today I met a bunch of people who feel the same way. Ah!
It was a good day full of IT and how to teach IT more effectively..interesting stuff...if you are one of the weirdos in life.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Diwali came and went..
as I prayed I could not help thinking about the past and how weird last year has been. Last Diwali I was going through loops and my brain was in a state of shock, I could not see reason in anything and life seemed a bit pointless. Since then I have gone through enough shit to last me a long long time and now things seem to be looking calm, looking up and I am happy.
I wanted to say thanks...for throwing things at me which did not kill me and therefore made me stronger.
I want to say thanks, that things have now been sorted and I have a brand new life which is full of small joys, big smiles and a lot of love. Thank you God.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I am hoping the scenario for Diwali will be different next year. I want to be with family. Hope God is listening..
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Finally!!! and its Friday tomorrow and I am meeting all my favourite people this weekend!! Can it get any better? I dont think so:)
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
If you don't see my point does that mean I am wrong?
If I see what you mean but don't subscribe to it, does it mean I don't care?
If I don't take your advice and do as I feel, will you stop caring for me?
If I agree with you all the time, and always listen, will you love me forever?
If I think the way you do and so be another you, will you still love me?
Is having an opinion and a different personality, wrong?
Or is it I will love you inspite of disagreement and despite personality differences?
So what does one do, when faced with disagreement? Argue till Kingdom come? Convince? Or understand that disagreement is not a reflection on emotional attachment. Stick to ones point and not give in. And have hard feelings?
Are things people argue about important? Important enough to affect emotional attachments?
How important is the most important thing? More important than love? Is it?
I think Mum can answer everyone of these questions. I have argued with her day and night. I have been allowed my difference in opinion and personality and thinking. We have fought, argued, I have cried and tried and tried and cried. At moments I used to wish she would see what I am saying....
But...my love and respect for her never changed. Arguments are fine. Disagreements - healthy, differences - expected, no two people are alike. But...
....Love is..never conditional. Never.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Hand scorched and scalded in 7 places! Fortunately I had a friend over for dinner who managed to dash out and get some anti septic burn cream, an aunt on the phone who patiently told me what to do.
The problem now is using a mouse..any time my hand brushes against any surface it KILLS!! so last night was a series of wake up with flashing pain as my hand brushes some surface or the other.
Never mind..I am not 5 yrs old according to some people..so I shall act my age..and pretend it does not hurt..when it does!!
and the excitement in my life continues...
Monday, October 24, 2005
Here is how I spent Sunday...Painting..well actually..i cleaned and washed and cooked and shopped..painted my toes, shampooed my hair, wrote my chapter, called home, called London..spent time ..a lot of time sleeping..and thinking and reading the weekend newspapers.
Swastika came into my head when I bought the canvas, a month or more ago...have finally had the time to paint it.
comments welcome on this one :)
Friday, October 21, 2005
The day was not as bad as yesterday...but its not over yet!! not yet.
I wont be surprised to find an empty fridge and a rumbling tummy in a few hours.
Its pouring down with rain, dark and cold.
But then Diwali is coming soon...though its in the middle of the week!
I dont have to go to work the next 5 days!!
But thursday and friday will be killers.
I can relax over the weekend,
But I have a long list of to-dos to get around.
balancing act happening.
when will christmas get here?
I shall go drown my thoughts and sorrows in the some wine and some good pasta..and perhaps a nice movie :)
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Woke up rudely to the alarm this morning at 6.00, was having visions of disgustingly cooked Pao Bhaji..I was feeling sick in my dream!
Woke up to pitch dark outside the window and the moonlight still shining. Hate this early morning darkness and it will only get worse.
eyes closed..I go to switch on the kettle..to make the Absolutely essential tea..there is no milk!! and no sugar. ok..its ok...I shall look for milk powder..but thats finished too. In the meantime the toast decides to burn. On top of this the heating did not come on...so I was freezing. Could have cursed aloud..did not..old enough to know how to behave myself..aren't I?
Fortunately did not miss the bus. But work was horrible. Had a fight in my class between two inmates and now I have one more person with my name on their hit list.
Heading home now, let me see what else is in store..Today is NOT over yet!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
This is one of the many interesting images on www.thebubbleproject.com
The owner of this website,Ji, printed 15,000 bubble stickers and placed them on top of ads all over New York City. Passersby fill them in and Ji goes back and photographs them. The end result is on the website.
I found this one apt..and now I risk putting my political opinion on the net! But hey..according to my limited understanding of the World Wide Web..it is kind of democratic and thus supposedly free. So here goes..nothing at all!
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths beneath your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-William Butler Yeats
Monday, October 17, 2005
I know something is missing and I have given up trying to guess what it is. There is something in my head that is nagging me, troubling me, worrying me. Dont know and I have stopped trying to figure it out now. Forget it, whatever it is..will appear.
Meanwhile I shall continue to be calm :D
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I dont think I want to hold on...coz one does that when afraid...and I am not afraid. I am ok. I am cool. I am good.
I am back from long trips and talking sessions with friends old and new..and now that I have talked enough I have a sore throat and a little voice left only.
Shall put up some pictures soon.
PhD seems to be sorting out as well..and for some strange reason I am kind of worried about what life would be without the PhD sword over my head. Do I want to find out..or do I want to stretch this last bit of education I shall have...to the last and longest minute. I have to remember I CANT study any more after this :)
Monday, October 03, 2005
The more you like something,
the more you want of it.
The more you want of it,
the less you want to live without it.
The less you live without it,
the more you cant imagine what life was like without it or before it.
And when that happens...
You start thinking..what if this finishes, ends, gets lost, breaks..what if... what if...
There is only so much Money can buy and only so much Master Card can.
And there is only so much else you can get yourself, without help of the afore mentioned.
How does one hold onto something precious?
Or should one give up trying to hold and go with the flow?
Or should extreme positivity be resorted to? where 'Ofcourse nothing will happen' should be the approach?
Or should one subsscribe to 'Live for today' formula..grab what you get today, you dont know if tomorrow will come?
Looking for answers.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
almost feels like I have got a new toy to play with and so I look forward to getting home and get cracking with work. Its good. obsessive thesis writing happening currently.
Apart from that..great achievement has happened. Quit...quit smoking for good. Nicotine patches are helping as of now...but it feels good to not be enslaved by a piece of burning paper with smoke on one end and an idiot on the other end!
so apart from that...its been a busy week so far. teaching at the prison..babysitting..or attempting to babysit a 1 month old and a 3 year old...exhausting..very exhausting..its like going for a walk...long one, working all day and doing 2 hours in the gymn combined! YARGH!!!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
So..as I started it up for the first time. Being the DUH that I am...saw 'name your machine'...Is it a pet/ a child/ what..I thought? Why name a machine..Can this machine be human? Bearing in mind it will help me deliver my first child..The PhD thesis...yes...it might well be a human. So I named it TIGER!!
So please Welcome TIGER to my family! (applause)
About climbing..from the last blog entry. Went well..have mountain goat genes somewhere in me I think. Climbed up and down a wall pretty quick. No pains or pulls happened..though I did get sore finger tips from grabbing pieces of rock to haul me up. Shall try and take pictures when I go next time..tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Making further plans...and then thinking that planning makes no sense.
Futuristic thinking makes no sense.
As of now..right this moment...the plan is to go rock climbing..and if I dont break any bones I shall be back tomorrow..I dont think I shall break any..so I shall be back tomorrow.
Shall go home and sort my climbing gear first!!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
This is a part of my life. These are the people I work with and hope to work for at a later stage. People who need me, I am hoping to help them rebuild their lives by transferring my skills to them. This my attempt at creating some peace at some small level and to try and rebuild a community torn apart by violence.
The People of Kashmir.
Yeh Kashmir hai..
This is the Dal lake. I was on the Boulevard..going towards Nagin and took the long way to it via Hazrat Bal, all around the lake and into the old part of town. The lake was like glass in the sunshine.
As you land at the airport in Srinagar this is the site that greets you. Mountains in every direction..cant miss them. As of now I dont want to think of a life where the nearest mountains are more than 6 hours away from me. They bring me peace and happiness. Also make me realise how small, insignificant and temporary my existence is.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
It seems like a long long journey from moving out to living on my own, to feeling single, and to being single. I have learnt a lot. I have gained a lot.
But today seems like the first day of the rest of my life. And I am thankful that i came out of this one unharmed in any way which cant be reversed.
Thank you God and thank you ADJ Malhotra!
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The PhD is starting again. After writing bits and pieces and more bits and pieces...losing supervisors and getting more funding..I am back. Back into the battlefield of academics. Trying to write the story of Kashmir and its crafts. Of its people and its traditions, of its politics and the myriad ways the people devise to live, exist and chase happiness.
Also making decisions about what I want to do next and how. With work..with my career. Do I want to go all out and stick with what can turn out to be an exciting career....with tonnes of travel, kind of decent money but no place to call home. Or to head back to India and look for work there. Or to stay here and continue teaching and then look for a slightly less physically taxing option.
People look at options as good..they are good, but when there are too many of them..it makes me wonder.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Just when you think everythings going to be fine,
Just when you thought you could ease the stress a bit,
Just when you thought life is looking up..
...just then..exactly there come...decisions.
Big questions, little thoughts, small joys, nagging worries.
The desire to hold on, to stop time.
The desire to move on and change lives.
Have many to make...one step at a time and I shall get there...if not there, then somewhere!
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
delayed flights, cancelled trains, heavy bags and a bad back meant the return journey sucked...but i am getting better everyday with 14 hours of sleep :D
It was fun..now I am back to work, back home, back with energy and enthu...emotional battery recharge has happened.
post pics soon.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
India was ablaze with colour as sisters rushed about and so did brothers. Its holiday after holiday in this country...Independence day, Rakhi, Janamashtami...ahh...wonder why I live in a nation of 7 bank holidays.
shall post pictures next.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Good news is I am NOT diabetic..bad news if I have high sugar :) being Kashmiri it means nto such bad news as most K's I know have high sugar, BP and Cholestrol...so one out of 3 is not bad.
Good news is the legal end of the my life if moving ok, bad news is its a slow slow slow process that pains and hurts and makes me mad. I am a bit annoyed right now...for a whole host of things..perhaps some alcohol tonight shall do me good.
So far I have been to CP...central Delhi..as chaotic as before...and with the new underground tube network being built..more chaotic traffic is happening. But yes I went and saw the Cottage, Janpath and its book shops, had my favourite cold coffee and bought some music. So far so good.
Delhi is growing fast, moving quick and people live, eat and shop like no tomorrow. hmmm!! very different from UK.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Out into the humid and hot Delhi...Yes I have arrived...back in town, back in India. Back home :)
Back with the family, the dog, the maid and the knowledge of an impending matter to be cleared wrapped and packed up into the recesses of the past memory folder in my mind.
It is hot..very hot. It is humid...very humid..but its nice. This is home.
Since I have come..I have slept, slept, slept..talked..and shopped...yes shopped..for suitable clothes to wear in this hot city. Have not caught up with anyone yet...am waiting to end what needs to be ended and then start afresh.
Happy..I am. Relaxed..very relaxed, just a bit worried about tomorrow and hoping everything goes well - without hiccups.
Shall start loading pictures sometime soon.
Its good to be back.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Yes...I am heading to India tomorrow..I shall be home. Finally!! And shall continue my postings on the web as I get around and live an entirely different life. And even though it is just about 4 1/2 hours time difference...it does feel like another planet when I get there. Another life. Yet another me. I shall end something that was painful and hope for happier times ahead. Here's wishing myself Bon Voyage.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
There was so much to hear and so much to say. So much to think about and then again so much to say. Surprises and shocks, Oh My Gods and Whoaaa!!!
But the greatest relief is in knowing a) that its not just my life that looks crazy when I look back. b) the essential person does not change - what made us friends and get along still exists.
Looking forward to meeting and chatting in person with an old friend.
Monday, August 01, 2005
On the 23rd Floor of the Hilton,
looking down at the city lights and traffic,
meeting old friends, catching up,
watching two friends I have known for long get engaged and smiling,
millions of pictures, loads of hugs and kisses,
yet the mind wanders...aimlesslesly through the folders and files of the distant past and the not so distant past.
Surrounded by people, yet alone. In a huge metropolis, yet solitary. Surrounded by friends, yet lonely.
The games my mind can play with me are varied and numerous. I did let it get the better of me that night in London for a bit, but I shook myself out of it..ate, drank and celebrated the longest time ever taken by a guy to buy a ring...5 years!!! Celebrated friends - old and new, past and present. The best thing was everyone looked so nice...we all clean up good!! Shall post some pictures soon.
Friday, July 29, 2005
tough to describe and impossible to imagine and existence without them..
this is what i thought so far...add to it if you will...
..a mix of warm soup and hot tea on a cold wet day....
...a warm blanket and a soft jumper...
...a soft cool breeze with a pleasant perfume...
...a cuddly pillow with a soft cover...
...gentle hands and a loving touch..
...worried looks and concerned conversations...
...welcome smiles and unconditional love...
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
you are dying to go wee...
you are dying to go home...
you are hungry, so hungry you could die...
you are waiting for someone...
you are trying to get a quick decision...
This is Sod's law i think in UK.
I am waiting for the time to pass quick so I can get home, be home and close to everyone who I love. Be home and relax and get over mental stresses and the dialy wear and tear of living in this country.
Go home and blank out the myriad thoughts in my head.
Go home and not cook, clean or wash.
Go home and not take a bus or train or cab or drive
Go home and get licked to nothing by a fat black dog.
Go home and be loved to bits.
Go home and sit in the sun.
Go home and get a decent hair cut.
The list is endless...and its directly proportinal to the pointlessness of my existence here!
Monday, July 25, 2005
It is strange - the things that come to you, for you and at you in life. The options are...sit down in shock, moan about it, think about it or get up and walk again and be prepared for the next snowball. And hope you will be able to dodge it!
There are always options...
The ability to chose = Freedom
Friday, July 22, 2005
Just in a visitor mode today. I dont want to be here but I dont want to go away either. I just want to sit and feel nothing...I am not here anymore...
Current song in head...
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like 2 balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again,I can't explain.
You would not understand, this is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
In Edinburgh and I am climbing up a small hill (they call it mountain) called Arthur's seat. Inappropriate climbing gear, but I went shopping, saw the hill and wanted to go up to the top. And after half an hour or more of wheezing and panting I did manage to reach the top. It was well worth the climb, even in a skirt and running shoes!! Which I had just bought (pink bag on my back has sandals)
One leads to another and that links to a disconnected one. I start from point A and might end at point C which I reach via Z, M and Q. A random pattern of thoughts that weave, skim, link and return, twist and connect, go round and inside out. A never ending chain. And then I stop and trace them back to the original kick off thought.
I cover most ground of thinking - work and my to do list, my loved ones, mistakes I have made, my current low, my happy thoughts, current scary thoughts, my promising thoughts, need to pay the phone bill thoughts, have to write my next chapter in the thesis thoughts, need a haircut thoughts, have to go shopping before I go on vacation thoughts, where is my friend who had an accident thoughts, what to buy as birthday gifts thoughts, would the Virgin flight be any better than last time thoughts, how hot will it be in India thoughts..... (this is the first one minute i think)
...... and it goes on and on till I look at the clock and realise I have been spinning myriad thoughts for the past half an hour.
Is it because my brain was working out solutions and this was a residue from last nights rest or is it just another excuse to lie in bed for another half an hour?
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Is it my life that feels strange, roller coaster type or does everyone feel the same way?
Parts of songs come to mind
'When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know youre alive.'
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Have you ever thought that ice cream is the best thing in the world?
Have you ever felt so hot that you take off your shoes and walk barefoot..in office?
Are you a fan of Roohafza with cold water and loads of ice?
My answer to these is YES!!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
thoughts of home visit my mind.
I draw an invisible glass shield,
I am a visitor
from another time and place.
Sent here to watch, observe, look and listen.
Work as all do,
live as all should.
Exist in this space in this time
for a while.
Someday I shall go back to my world.
And then my real life will begin.
Someday when everyday shall feel real
When everyday shall be happy
Enough to stop me from dreaming futures.
as I sit.
I know what I want and I shall live in this time
Till my time and destiny click in an ancient hour glass
And I shall come back to life.
Monday, July 11, 2005
At some levels this is happening in London too...people know life is unpredictable and things change and you may never get to see the face of the person you love the most again. There might not be a 'someday' or a 'sometime'...the time is now. Now is good!!!
Its sad to note that something as gruesome as a bomb makes people sit up and realise that freedom, health, liberty and security is not a god given right ...and should not be taken for granted.
Everyday is good. Time is now. You know what to do. Do it. Just do it..dont think...dont deliberate..just walk out and do something today that you have been meaning to do for a long time.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
I have been away...I am in Edinburgh...watching the nation of free people...who go out to free other people in Iraq and Afghanistan, beat the shit out of thier own people.
The last time i checked this was a free country. And since Monday all I have seen is heavy handed riot police asking people to shut up. Hmmmm...I think. Did we give them the right to rule us or govern us. There is a difference.
So yes, I have been away..watching with scepticism and the tiniest glimmer of hope (that cant die) that the High and Mighty who are at Gleneagles right now..might just listen to the people who have put them in the decision making place.
Shall put some pictures of Edinburgh up soon.
'Freedom is the right to say No'
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
He has finally done it. He has finally got engaged to the woman of his dreams. She is everything he has ever thought about, dreamt about..and yet again..thought about. They are engaged and shall get married some time soon. I am happy for both of them.
Having known him since I was about 10yrs old...and spending endless amount of time..to start with...screaming, shouting and fighting with him. And a later stage talking and writing non stop to him...I used to often think...he is Strange(in a strangely nice way)..who will marry him?? :) and She will. Cool hai!!!
I am happy for him. You have been my best friend, my advisor, my well wisher and the kicker of my butt when i got stuck, the shaker of my spirit when i was low. I wish you every happiness...I know you shall be happy together. I think you have enough brains to know how to be be happy. And to the wife to be...if you ever need someone to assist you with butt kicking...let me know...the pleasure shall be mine...purana hisaab and all that.
The summer is finally here and the sun came out, the clothes came off, the music became loud as did the men on the streets. And along come downpours and flooding with picture perfect thunder storms. When i say picture i mean 'pichar' the Hindi way of saying it. So the storm was with effects...total Hindi film type..thunder (when the mother hears bad news) and lightning (when the hero figures the heroine is dead). So last night was an Opera of Heaven's Bad Boys.
Not good. Not good.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
How come you are wide awake at night till late on a weekday and feel sleepy early on a weekend?
How come there is no bread to eat when it is pouring outside?
How come your favourite shirt is the one that always flies of the clothes line? and also lands in the dirtiest piece of dirt there is?
How come you always meet people whose name you will never remember?
How come parents always call when you are doing something you are not supposed to be doing?
How come there are so many of these how comes?
we are as weak as we deserve to be.
we are as much as in control as we can be.
we know as much as we want to remember.
a lot of times we get lost chasing other people's happiness thinking it is our own. Any unhappiness that follows is our own creation.
'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined.' - Thoreau
Monday, June 27, 2005
But guess what....we are smarter than we look...3 out of the 4 people I spoke to last night guessed it...so well..
anyways. Here is wishing one of them a Happy Birthday and the other a pat on the back for finally popping the question in a lovely cant-say-no setting. Happy for you guys!! Shall have the party when we meet!
I am not sure why we get 5 continous working days and then 2 days to stop and rest. Why cant we just work alternate days...that would make life easy!!
For a change I had a relaxed weekend...spent time listening to all kinds of music while I got about sorting my fridge (which is always full of things I dont want to eat), my clothes (which have a nasty way of coming out of the cupboard and lying on the floor), my papers (which seem to shuffle themselves everytime I look away...
No one told me life would be easy...so I should not moan.
So some Ronan Keating, some Jhatka Remixes and some Indian Ocean happened this weekend. I am still a techno moron and am in the process of figuring out how to put pictures on this blog..once done there shall be more to share..
..and I shall shut up for a bit.
This blog is for people who...
...like to talk
...can write at length
...can talk even more
....can read a word despite typo errors