Friday, February 01, 2008

When 3 is a crowd.

Marriage is a strange institution, those in will testify to it testing their limits and reaching points where you wonder why you did this to yourself, willingly and happily. Those who are married however will also tell you that there is a lot of good in it which is hard to explain and give examples of. Often you would find the Smug Married Couples egging on and fixing up dates for their single friends. Yes it has its downs and sad times, rough times and 'wonder why' and 'wish I had not' times but then nothing in life is ever smooth sailing anyways. You would disagree with your parents, siblings, colleagues, friends..and in the same queue is the spouse as well..expecting any different would be silly I would think. Marriages are strange but I still believe in the institution, why, is another post.

It comes to a point sometimes when marriages do not work out and then the legal systems of justice are sought to sometimes willingly, sometimes reluctantly, more than often painfully hand out the respite needed for a couple to part ways- divorce. Not easy, not fun, but currently becoming increasingly common. I am sure you know someone or of someone fairly close who has been divorced, its not uncommon and its not taboo anymore. Okay most people would rather not talk about it but that does not mean its not an increasingly common phenomenon in our society. This established lets move on...

On to the mid way point. The point where there are 3 in a marriage. Where one person deems it ok to seek comfort, warmth, love and solace elsewhere due to unhappiness in their marriage. Where one party is finding comfort knowing the marriage is not working and thus moving on. But is it really moving on? Are affairs justified in this day of easy divorce? I am sure there are many kinds of affairs, some to pass time, some to elevate boredom, some to test the greener grass, ego boosting affairs, what was i thinking affairs, i was lured into it affairs. But the ones which are I-was-unhappy-therefore does not make sense.

It is increasingly easy to dupe and lie as we all(men and women) work now, we have a life, friends, meetings, team building session, break away sessions, away days at work, the gym, the driving instructor, the IT guy, the interns etc etc..the list is endless. We meet people of all sorts, sit judgment on some, make friends with others, quite like somethings in someone, dislike interaction on a daily basis with strangers is a part of our lives. We can choose to do what we want, think what we like, and come home..back to the person we married. The ability to meet someone new is constant. A problem at home might send you running in the direction of someone who looks remotely decent to you. Might be the wrong person..but to someone its escape..from the problems at home.

I know I am no one to sit judgement on someone else's life and decisions, but if a marriage has died, and you want to move on, would it not make more sense if you let the other person know. Close the chapter on it. Then move on. Are you not willingly hurting someone (agreed you dont care about them and dont love them anymore) but are you not going out of your way to hurt someone willingly by lying and doing what comforts you? Is it justified to hurt someone because you are unhappy?

Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage, agreed trust and honesty collapse when a marriage collapses,but what happened to mopping up the mess you make. And from the other persons (the affairee if such a term exists) point of view. Someone who is in a relationship with someone who is unhappy in a marriage, probably quite messed up in the head, who needs support yes, a shoulder maybe, but also practical sense, they do not need people to help mess them up even further.

I dont know quite what to think about this. I am quite anti-cheating. If you are sure enough that you want something else from your life, then be brave enough to express it, be strong enough to talk about it and be kind enough to let the other person out of the marriage as well as yourself.

In some culture I read about it says that when you lie you kill a part of your soul. Maybe it is true.


chandni said...

I tend to agree with you on the point that if people are not happy, they should move on. When I debate on this with "older" people, they tell me that its "youth" talking...and as lives get more complicated as we get older...a lot of other factors become more important which might make it necessary to stay together rather than separate...

I don't know...but I'd like to believe that at every stage in life, one has the right to be happy. Rather than be with a partner you have stopped loving, come clean and do them a favour by separating. At least they'll have another chance at finding someone who'd love them, all over again!

Cynic in Wonderland said...

very true...and probabaly even worse are the 'emotional' affairs - where the involvement is not physical but of emotional dependency - that probabaly is a much greater betrayal all said and done.

Morpheus said...

Agree with both of you! My view is - do not lie - come clean and then decide what is best. Hurting someone deliberately by lying is deceitful and mean.

Dusty Fog said...

I have a question to you and Chandni. Let me assure you at the start that i am a firm believer in the institution of marriage and would hate if things went wrong with mine, if and when somebody marries me...: )
The question being, both of you have talked about easing the partner's pain by being upfront and coming out with it. What about the fact that the partner might still harbour the same strong sentiments when he/she married you? Wont it then be willfully hurting that partner, by telling them, that we no longer want to be with them? I am just wondering about it.
I am not advocating an affair, and keeping quiet about it. I am purely focussing on what you guys said about coming clean.
Incidentally, I always wanted to be married young. I am 32 today, and scared about it. i am not sure i could handle it, if whoever it was walked out on me....big time loser eh...?!!!...: )

Morpheus said...

@dusty fog: Lying is a deceitful. Simplistically put when you tell the truth you are letting the other person decide how they want to take it. Hiding things...white lies or the other not fair..because you then prevent the other person from knowing and thereby taking decisions and actions to pursue their own happiness.
If the partner has the same strong feelings they had when they married you, then there has been a communication lag somewhere..where one is still in love, while the other is looking elsewhere for whatever reasons.
Coming clean is partly - to have a clear conscience, and partly out of respect to the other person's ability to know and handle things.

I dont think its about being a loser..if you are smart enough to find someone you like, brave enough to marry them, then you should be clever enough to keep them and yourself happy for eternity!