Thursday, June 30, 2011

Of tears and fears

I dont think any of us recall our first day at our very first school. Well really the first time we went at a fixed time, on a fixed day, to a fixed place, where Mommmy was not around. Do we rememeber the tears? Probably not.
Well I did not know how much I cried, if at all. I am told that I skipped off to nursery without looking back because I was seriously bored at home by myself.

So the time comes to get back to work and send 'my precious' to the nursery. After having his company - 9 in and 12 out - it was hard to let go. To let someone else know how to look after my precious, how to soothe him, make him smile and feed him, how to lay him to sleep, how to wipe his nose and when to give him water. It was hard just thinking about it. The time approached for him to be left at the nursery and so I gathered the troops - the husband was booked on leave for the first day at nursery, and who else did I summon - but my mom, yes I needed to hold her hand in mine, while I let go of my other hand and handed over precious to his key worker. The husband and I smoked a sneaky stressed out 'this-is-hard cigarette' and that DID not help at all. We both felt and looked quite helpless and pleased at the lack of tears, but felt a giant punch of emotion at leaving precious in the nursery for a few hours.

There are few, if any, things that a parent would do, that would make their child unhappy and cry..and this is one of them (the other being medicines and vaccinations). And it was hard to say bye, watch his face turn upside down, and leave. The fact that I cried hard and long enough for my contact lenses to actually fall out..did not make things better. Perhaps some day I shall laugh about this. But for now we are trying to settle in and learn to live apart! All this time I worried about precious having a hard time and crying..and I forgot, well honestly, I did not even think/imagine how hard it would be for me as well. But hey I am all grown up and should behave so. WELL!!!

So this grown up, ofcourse turned to her mother and told her, almost enlightened in her approach, that it is hard to let go of a child. And she nodded sagely back at me, smiled and said, 'I know'. And I am well over the 30 mark, and yet I still thinking, ma knows everything!

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