Floyd 1975

"Wish You Were Here"

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

~Roger Waters,
'Wish you were here' 1975 Pink Floyd

This has been playing on my mind and my music system this weekend. As usual, there is a song for every weekend I spend alone. One week down and 9 to go!

Republic!

The fundamental values and the guiding principles on which the Constitution of India is based. Reflected here in the Preamble to the Constitution:

WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN SOCIALIST SECULAR DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens:
JUSTICE, social, economic and political;
LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship;
EQUALITY of status and of opportunity;
and to promote among them all
FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual and the unity and integrity of the Nation;

IN OUR CONSTITUENT ASSEMBLY this twenty-sixth day of November, 1949, do HEREBY ADOPT, ENACT AND GIVE TO OURSELVES THIS CONSTITUTION.

This came into action today, 26 January. India celebrates Republic Day, 60 years of being a Republic. 60 years since we promised ourselves what we wanted as a nation. 60 years of moving up, ahead and onwards. In the name of progress and development. In the name of nation building.
The definitions of justice, liberty, equality, fraternity are the same, the applications of them have changed.
We said we are a Sovereign, Socialist, Secular, Democratic Republic. The secular bit is something that sticks in my head...how many of us really believe in that..after Kashmir, Gujarat and Punjab problems! But let me not throw a damper on the celebrations, and just use this to remind those who think of India as a Hindu nation - that we are not Hindu (Nepal is), we are a secular country of many shades and many religions. A tolerant nation that has never started a war, has never dominated territories, has never enslaved any people..we are India. As promised - above!

White?

Snow fell last night, leaving a thick white squishy blanket on my world last night.
Walking on untread snow gives me great happiness, I cant figure out why!
I dont know what it is about white and purity and the semiotics of white as a colour...and where it starts from...am thinking...

Past, Present and Future.

Look back and you shall see the wisdom of hindsight. You will see where you should have turned left when you turned right. And got lost. And you did see the signs, which were bright but you did not want to read them. This is when you see how much you have grown up and changed to what you are now.

Look in the mirror now and you think, much has changed, and a lot of evolvement of your brain, your heart and soul has taken place. You will always think, I am so much better now than I was before. Reflecting on the past is almost akin to seeing teenage photographs and cringing at your appearance. But on a whole new level, where you see how you have moved up and on in your thinking and behaviour, the changes are there, some would like to think, they never changed and they are just the same. That is just not possible. Tiny changes in your thoughts and perceptions, in your actions and words occur. The past handed the baton to the present, and that shift changed you.

You will always think, that I shall remain this way into my future. You have improved and changed to the best of your ability now and any further changes dont look right or seem to be needed. Your thoughts shall be as refined as they are now and will hopefully follow the same pattern in the future as they do now. Which is a good thought, but not possibly workable. You will change, your future that seems far now and which you can probably picture somewhat clearly will not be a replica of your thoughts. It shall be different because you shall be different.

People change, most times for the better. Your current environment and thoughts hold shades of the past, which now blend seamlessly into a new hue of the present, the whole colour shall change in the future, but in essence it shall remain the same. Change is not wrong and it is unavoidable. Your intrinsic personality and heart does not change. The shades on the epidermal level change as you learn, grow and evolve, in an attempt at being a better human being. Some changes are more permanent than the others. Dont look back to sigh, dont sit back complacently in the present, dont worry about the future. Every day and every new experience teaches us something and leaves us with a tiny mark, its up to us to learn from it and change when needed, and more importantly not resist change when it pushes you.

Can't Smile

My heart strings have been stretched like never before..and this song has been going round and round in my head all weekend. It reflects how I feel right now!

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who'da believed that you were part of a dream?
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see, I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well I'm finding it hard leavin' your love behind me

And you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you...

-Barry Manilow

Do you know?

How well do you know the one you value the most/ love the most?

Do you know what they think about when they are glazed over and spaced out?
What they really wish they could change about themselves?
What one liner or thought always makes them smile?
Which of your friends they like the most?
Which place and memory is they cherish the most?
What upsets them the most?
What is the one thing they would love you to do without being told?
What worries them the most about you?
Which parent or sibling do they really like?

After being together for a longish time people tend to either forget about such things or forget what they knew a long time ago..when it comes to men and women, men often dont know..or what they knew during the dating phase about their love would and could have changed as time passes...

Whats her favourite flower?
What is her favourite song?
What would she really do if you were to give her complete control of a holiday?
Which photograph of yours if her favourite?
Does she like surprises?
What does she remember about your first date?
What was her first impression of you?
Does she have secrets that you dont know but she would not mind sharing?

Small things, that make a difference, that reveal the difference between constant love and growing love. That show that you are still interested in the woman next to you, that you dont know her in entirely but are willing to spend your life unravelling..

Avoiding the Bye!

There seems to be an allergic reaction in the family for Good Byes!
Nani (maternal Grandma) never went to see her sons off to the train station when they returned to their postings. She had lunch with them and then went for her afternoon nap, which was when they left home. No good byes.

Mum is not too far off, there are always big fat tears in her eyes when I leave, when my sister leaves, or for that matter when anyone leaves from home. Bearing in mind I am in India every 4-6 months and the sister is back home every few weeks, it is a bit strange. Mum starts counting days and weeks and soon it is a conversation which starts with ' its only a matter of 10 weeks or 20 weeks'. Counting in months sounds painfully long and so we seem to be developing a tradition of counting in weeks in the family. Every good bye is tear filled! Every time..and cynical eyebrow raising or cheeky grinning about her tears has a standardised response too 'when you have children of your own you will know!'.

I recently followed my heart to Edinburgh and then to Leicester and then to Delhi and then to Pune. Just to avoid saying a good bye at the above four location. Got stuck with Pune where the inevitable Bye had to be faced!
I think the allergic bye legacy has been transformed from being any kind of bye to being slightly more specialised. I think I am happier saying the Bye and going away then being the one left behind. Abandonment, though an inappropriate term for short time spent apart, is a nasty feeling..even if it is for a few weeks and its not abandoning as such.
Much as I hate saying the 'Bye' word, being left hanging around a metal railing while the traveller disappears into airport check-in is by far the saddest feeling! Holding on till the last minute and waiting for a final call, while your heart is begging, pleading and whispering silently, 'Dont go! Please dont go!'
Hate this good bye thing! Wish I was cool about it! But I aint a cool person anyways!

Pune!

I have heard so much about Pune in Maharashtra from friends and friends of friends that I went for a short visit. Its a nice-ish place, polite retired person's city. As compared to Delhi it was hot, about 34 degrees in January, which made me worry about what the summer would be like.

Not unlike Bombay the roads are terrible..and make all conversations turn into grunts! Not unlike any other city, Pune has malls by the tonnes, since I dont like the Mall concept of hanging around trying to look cool, I did not appreciate this aspect of the city either. Not unlike other cities flyovers seem to be coming up in every corner of Pune. Local people moaned about the 'bad traffic' in Pune, they really must try the South Delhi to Gurgaon trip at 8am to know about bad traffic where you might just move about a km in one hour..maybe!

The armed forces base at Pune makes is clean and green in many places. IT and related sectors offices like T Systems office and other such glass buildings makes a visitor like me wonder what Pune looked like before the IT boom hit it.

Suburbia of Pune is built in the same way as any other city suburbs, inconspicous, badly designed (externally) buildings and housing societies in dusty areas seem to be visible everywhere. With a growing population the housing market is huge, but badly organised. They seem to lack planning in terms of design and infrastructural backbones! One such example is that Thursdays are powerless days for some reason in most of Pune. Immensely frustrating for a so called developing/ developed city! Pollution is high in the city and most of it is dust! The CNG concept has not reached this city yet..and it shows.

What I did like were the well hidden local markets and forts, statues of the Maharashtrian fighters, old curved stone bridges which are sinking into a very dirty river. Old architecture is easy to see if one looks up, wooden carved balconies and jharokhas, parapets carved out of stone. But the best thing was the plethora of temples..to all kind of dieties from Dagru Sheth to Hanuman with Chatursringi in between. The temples are gorgeous and a Ganpati can be found just about everywhere. Exteremely nice for people like me who enter every temple that is open!

What else is nice about Pune is the amount you can eat, and drink..at not a sky high price like Delhi. Food and people stuffing their faces at all times of the day was very clearly visible in Pune. Like all cities in South and West India..fresh flowers that smell heavenly are easily available, so if you are the kind that likes a Lei in the hair that freshens you all day..Pune shall not disappoint, whats unique though is that the flower girl or lady shall be only too happy to weave flowers into your hair for you, something I was keen to get done...everyday!

The drive from Pune to Bombay via Lonavala was my exercise in learning Marathi. Drive Slow, Speed breaker Ahead, Do Not Stop in the Tunnel, Observe Lane Rules, Tunnel Ahead, Food and Fuel Ahead, Speeding and Tyre Bursting Causes Accidents..etc etc...all written in Marathi..so now I know how to talk to a traffic cop in Maharashtra! I have got the 'ahe' down to a pat! The funny head nod in a half clockwise and half anti clockwise shake which can mean - yes, no and whatever is something I need to practice in a mirror!

All in all it seems like a quaint laid back place full of new money and little infrastructure to support its booming population. Had I not been used to living in a huge Metropolis for most of my life I would have probably liked Pune. Its too small, too slow and too focussed for its growth on IT to make it interesting to anyone else. It lacks the 'life' that is there in Bombay, Delhi, Calcutta and other bigger cities in the world. And now (post the IT boom) it seems to be hiding the 'old world charm' that accompanies most small cities in India which are steeped in history.

Old Pune might have been nice, this in between stage where its a wanna-be city with is flashy malls and glass tower blocks, stunning temples but no place to walk, big cars and narrow roads, leave Pune in the middle of nowhere.

Phew!

Busy-ness as usual. Holiday my foot, this trip is turning into a roller coaster ride. Meeting people I have only heard, seeing people I did not know existed and dining with people who I have never seen before! One big mish mash of people, places, trafiic, eating, shopping and very little sleep :(
There is a background of illness and tension.
There is a feeling of time ticking backwards till it runs out and I shall be away from the people I love the most to complete something that matters a lot.
I am happy though..and I guess that is what matters.
India..what can I say...everytime I come here I always have one question...
what makes the people tick?..cant figure it out..not just yet!

Home and away!

Going home! Tomorrow night! Back to Delhi for a while to see family and friends and to relax before the next term of teaching and studying starts! I dont know if time to blog will be available..I shall be far too busy sleeping and resting and being fed food that I have not cooked in dishes I wont need to wash!!
Hope you had a good Christmas and wishing you a Happy New Year!!

Hush!

Its been a dark foggy day, its a freezing foggy night with promise of snow and there is an eerie silence which comes with the bitter cold..it brings to mind a song..which I have heard several times before...but it makes a LOT of sense to me today!

There's a kind of hush all over the world tonight
All over the world you can hear the sounds of lovers in love
You know what I mean
Just the two of us and nobody else concerned
There's nobody else, and I'm feeling good holding you tight

So listen very carefully, closer now
And you will see what I mean (see what I mean)
It isn't a dream (it isn't a dream)
The only sound that you will hear
Is when I whisper in your ear, I love you forever and ever

There's a kind of hush all over the world tonight
All over the world people just like us are falling in love
So listen very carefully, closer now
And you will see what I mean (see what I mean)
No no, it isn't a dream (it isn't a dream)
The only sound that you will hear
Is when I whisper in your ear, I love you forever and ever

There's a kind of hush all over the world tonight
All over the world people just like us are falling in love
Are falling in love
Fallin' in love

Lyrics by Engelbert Humperdinck

Kipling

Just started reading Jungle Book again, after a long long time..its so lopsidedly discriminatory...strange how such things dont strike you as a kid! Never thought about this when I sat and watched the film or read the book as a very young child!!
Amazing.

Memory

Its a fine thing. Its a strange thing. And it can do wonders.
One can remember flashes from childhood, a favourite toy, a place visited, a dress you liked, a scary moment in a school play, the death of a pet..the list goes on. Most of these are not nasty memories, just things that left a lasting impression on you.
As you grow older the memories change - examination halls, a crazy time with close friends, embarassing moments with members of the opposite sex, and even more embarassing ones with members of the same sex, travels to places new, experimentation with thoughts, things, and people. Surprises and shocks, gifts and laughs, work and jobs, friends, foes and family....the list goes on..our mind is like a memory bank..without which we wont be who we are.
Over time..details fade away, you could remember a person, but not their name. You could remember a face but not know where you saw it. You could remember the season but not the year...it happens.
One thing that does stand out is how quick the past becomes a distant past and the present switches and becomes a recent past. Memories build up quick.

I reflect today on the one of the few people who I held in high regard for their immense intelligence and sharpness of mind and a lot of love as well. In my head he shall always be a smiling and loving sharp old man. Today his memory does not exist, and his recognition is gone...but to me he will always remain..an important part of my past. Of me. One has to learn to let go. This present shall become a past.

Christmas - Hate it?

In contradiction to previous post:
Its Dec, its nearly Christmas....and there are a LOT of annoying things around:
...the endless christmas carols in the shopping malls dreaming of a 'white christmas', well global warming has taken over..and we can dream on..there is going to be no snow anytime in Dec from the looks of it.
...the complete lack of any colour but red. The streets are red, the shops are red, everything is red. And if you dont like that colour..you need to run away, somewhere non-red!
...the complete lack of availablity of anything that has nothing to do with Christmas, eg..birthday cards, non red clothes, wrapping paper without stars and 'Merry Christmas' on it.
...the queues in the shopping malls, specially for food.
...the enormous strain and stress on people's faces as they buy loads of 'meaningful' presents for everyone they know
...the pressure to meet and greet family you dont get along with and spend a whole day being nice to them.
...The Christmas goodies and shopping is around in shops from August!! and then they count back!! Oh Dear!
...Boxing Day sales brings people out with ammunition and protection on to fight the crowds who go shopping in the sales..its MAD!
...the grey skies and the cold weather that is essentially a part of Dec.
...the constant question, ' so..what are YOU doing for Christmas?' in my case..nothing much, I get a tree, I put it up, I sit near it and wish I was home, some friends might come but I am not sure!
...the congregation of families, so there is no one on the streets and it looks lonely, and if you are, God forbid, sitting miles away from any family..then it makes you feel worse!
...the whole 'get-drunk-and-kiss-someone-at-the-christmas-do-in-the-office' syndrome. Its almost like a tradition in UK, you must get drunk and then you can be really silly and get away from the trouble you may cause by kissing your boss and since its christmas, its ok! It is silly..sp if the boss thinks that way!
...The whole dodge the Mistletoe business..I am too short to spend time arching my neck to check for mistletoe, so dodging sneaky people who wait for you to stand over it is annoying..and there ALWAYS is a tonne of mistletoe around!

I could take it in good humour and laugh about it, but as it happens year after year..it gets a tad annoying!! You land up wishing you were somewhere else..and start to get tired of the whole thing..I already have students whingeing about why they shall be asked to attend lessons right after X'mas! I should be kind and generous...'tis the season for giving after all! Oh Dear!!

Christmas - I Like

I am not Christian but I have studied in a Roman Catholic School with Irish Patrician brothers for a long time....
I am not Christian but I live in England where the Queen is the head of the Church...
I am not Christian but I like sitting in churches and I cant walk past one without going in...
I used to hang a stocking when I was younger and did believe in Santa...perhaps I still do..I find the Grotto's that spring up very interesting..
I am not Christian but I like midnight mass and I know most carols...


...and I like Christmas trees,
...and the fake snow,
...and the tinsel,
...and the fairy lights,
...the tiny presents,
...the mistletoe and the holly.
I like the streets all lit up,
I like the people rushing around the buy things.
I like the spirit of love, giving and kindness that comes with the season.
I also appreciate the holidays and the effort people make to meet their families.
I like the hopefulness for the snow to fall on the right date.
I like the carol singers and the saxophonist who plays haunting tunes on the street.
I like the smell of pine from the trees.
and the excitement on children's faces.
I shall wish you a merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year to you..

Loyalty

You move to a new location, you look around, get your bearings and you start living. Initially you think..this is NOT home, this is a temporary settlement, this is for only so long and so you keep to yourself. You are hesitant to explore because you know not much, and sometime...just sometimes you are afraid of finding something that you will really like..but you dont want to like it, just in case it is better than what you get at home. You are reluctant to buy creature comforts due to the temporary nature of your existence in a new place.
Longish period of time passes and you start automatically comparing this with that, and always, but always..back home wins, there are no contests..nothing compares to home. You forget that often appreciation is good and no one is challenging your loyalites.
You home is in your heart, its a part of you. You carry it where you go, nothing compares to it, but the planet is big and the places many. Appreciation is key and loyalites are never questioned, let alone challenged.

My gift!

As gifts go people link women to gifts like perfume, clothes, bags, shoes, jewellery etc etc. Men are however more limited in terms of electronic goods and the odd aftershave :) Wii, iPods, laptops and other such like. Gifts are more a reflection of a celebration or emotion and tokens than something to buy an emotion, though they tend to be misinterpreted pretty easily.
Birthday time coming up and I did not think I would be this happy to own something this tiny...but I have recently received something that is known to keep women happy..till eternity! Happy and connected...forever..through a piece, a tiny piece of a glittery stone :)

PhD

For those who have done and passed...hats off!
For those who are writing..greatest sympathies!
Just had a review..and as reviews go, it was not bad! I got a lot of positive feedback about my theoretical grounding and the pathbreaking work I have done. I got a lot of shit for being modest about it..hmm!!!
While I am happy to know I am on the right track...I am disheartened by the long way left to go. Everytime I think I am nearly done, comes another round of feedback...asking me to do more.
People want my thesis to be perfect...
I just want it to end! Eat, sleep, drink, think and write...for nearly 5 years about it..and then one day you wake up and it does not matter any more..coz you are sick of it. I am! And then you get a parting shot from the Doctors...no one said this would be easy...
Y...e..ss...but then no one said it would be this damn hard!!
Boo Hoo!

Smells like London

Walk around London with your eyes closed..if you dont mind the risk of being knocked down!
And all kinds of smells shall assault your senses...
Caramalised peanuts, hot dogs and onions on the barbecue, coffee brewing and in thick cardboard cups, the stale air in the underground, the smell of traffic, crepes on hot pans, cigarette smoke, bagels being toasted and expensive perfumes and aftershaves in crowded spaces, the smell of brakes on the iron rails of the tube. Its endless...
The problem being that the sights and sounds tend to crowd out the smells, unless the smell is particularly strong or nasty! And thats not confined to London only. We are so used to relying on sight, that the other senses are ignored at most times.
I shall write about sounds some other time. The only sight I can mention which struck me on the train this weekend was the Autumn was finally here (though it should be winter by now) The leaves are golden, orange, yellow and brown, the sun has started to disappear and sloping sunshine breaks through at times to colours everything with a startling shade of golden yellow..its mellow and mild, the sun feels like its reaching out to take one last touch of the things it likes like tree tops and building roofs, before it goes into hibernation. Its a lovely time of the year!

Milk Wars

Being one those unfortunate few with a mild allergy to Milk I was constantly chased as a child with a glass of milk first thing in the morning. It made me feel sick and could projectile vomit at the thought and smell of milk. Many spillages, tantrums and tears later I was told that I had no getting out of milk till is turned 16..which feels a long way away when you are 8!
Indian products filled the markets..mum plunged spoons of Bournvita, Complan, Cocoa, Chocolate syrup, Maltova into my glass of milk. Mohan Meakin made cornflakes..which were nasty tasting to me...MILK tasted as bad as ever before. I was allowed half a tea spoon of coffee..nope..couple of spoons of tea...nope. It was disgusting. Mum then introduced glasses of all sorts, with bubbles, with straws, made of glass and also many other strange varieties..nope. I hated milk.
And then came the Milk ad...doodh doodh (milk milk) piyo glass full (drink a glass full) and ofcourse mum was straight up telling me that even the TV tells me to drink milk so it must be good :(

The battle continued for long, mum chasing me, dad chasing me, grandad grinning at the confusion, early morning school runs delayed by 'accidental' spillages, finding dirt in the milk, finding a film of cream (malai) cooled on the top..yuck! It did not help that my siblings gulped it first thing in the morning with a relish, and in fact still do. Horrible milk memories I have. Perhaps I have had a traumatised childhood thanks to milk!
On my 16th Birthday I had a cup of tea in the morning and it was good bye milk.
This morning as I made my cup I thought back to the milk wars and smiled, because last night mum told me she has started drinking the white stuff again..osteoporosis is not far!