Itching

Have been silent for a while. Have been busy..but I am brimming with things to write. Wedding, meeting friends and cousins I have not seen for years, being a shy (or trying to be) sweet girl, train travel by Bharatiya Rail and then a trip to the mountains in UP or UK as it may be known now. Another trip around Jammu city and I have absolutely stuffed with observations. Itching to blog...

The Silence shall be broken soon!!

Home Sweet Home

I go back now. Back home, to the family and friends.
Back for a month to India.
Back in 24 hours in desh.
I dont know if there shall be time to blog, if not I shall catch up on the blogging when I get back.

There remain some hesitations, some thoughts, some hopes and a few butterflies in my stomach.
And a tiny little knot of happiness..could not say bubble coz they tend to burst!!

Adios Amigos, shall see you later!!

Smile...

Unbidden thoughts walk in,
and pull a curve across my face.
Unknown dreams come to surface,
a bit of dread strikes.
Happiness is kept away,
from eyes of evil.
The Gods must not know,
that there are smiles here.

The last thought before sleep,
alludes and tickles like a feather.
The first face in the morning,
reminds me of the night.
The voice on the phone,
and the post conversation smile.
The promise in a new day,
of those hesistating smiles.

A burst of laughter on the train,
the baby chuckling in sleep.
The call of the morning birds,
the mist as it rises.
Early morning chills,
and the promise of the summer.
Daffodils in the vase,
by the window smile.

Sin!

SIN - is objectively easily defined. Subjectivity however qualifies it differently depending on what you think of an action or thought!

I had the chance to meet someone, who was worried about the oldest sin of them all..Adultery!
Married for the past 17 years with 2 children, this lady had been constantly flirting at work with a colleague of ours. Harmless exchanges had recently developed into pretty strong innuendos..and I must admit I was not highly suprised to see the events that followed.

Lame excuses galore came out about how the marriage is breaking down, and how she really did not want to be with him to start with but was pregnant and all that. Much tears and sniffles later it emmerged that she was no longer in love with the husband!

But thats not what I am thinking about right now. The question is - is it sinful to betray some one you dont love or care about? Is it then ok to betray them and hope they have somehow figured out that you no longer love them anyways? Is it a sin to fancy someone else apart from your partner? Or is that ok if you dont take that liking any further? Is a half truth (or a white lie) forgivable?

And who is the person we are seeking forgiveness from? God? Or the person we have betrayed? And does that forgiveness really count or matter? In the long run?

Its a debate I have seen many people go through in this society full of 'easy come, easy go'. The books here...kind of confirm the distortion of thinking about this act. And I never know the right advice / answer to give. According to them I am harsh because of my bottom line - it IS sinful, end of! You commit to someone you stick with it, there are never any excuses allowed..because they are all, always lame! I told that to my friend...and a fresh burst of tears followed..making me feel very guilty.

I dont know!!

Freedom? Happiness and Space?

Been doing some A-Z thinking again..and i could not figure where this one was leading..

"It is by not always thinking of yourself, if you can manage it, that you might somehow be happy. Until you make room in your life for someone as important to you as yourself, you will always be searching and lost" Richard Bach, Spoken by Leslie Parrish, The Bridge Across Forever

Along this line of thought came Sigmund Freud and said.."Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility."

However as fine lines go..there is a little space in between thinking about the other person and thinking for the other person. That little space is the only space you need in a relationship to keep your sanity I think. People I have read, and have spoken to argue vociferously for space...sometimes I am not sure if they are talking about the space to disagree or the space to not get involved. Not sure sometimes..

Definition

Location: Pub near the Motorway to London
Time: Night, The stars are out and its cold
Occassion: Smoke break which lead to wise thoughts
Discovered: A hilarious definition of a cynic

CYNIC: An optimist who has been happy slapped by reality!!

And when they are wrong...

Parents.
Owe them your life and your existence, owe them a lot for making you into who you are today. They always have your best interests at heart and would never do anything that would harm you or make you unhappy. Right?
Right?

You might agree..but ther are times when they know only so much and no more. Where your knowledge about something is better than theirs. Where you need advice but they are not the best people to give it. Our myth / belief/ faith that a parent will always know the right thing to do is shattered. But they are human too. So you need to go elsewhere to get advice..but thats ok.

But what do you do when they are wrong? Or you dont agree with them? When they suggest something that you really dont want to do. What do you do then? Argue with them? Convince them? Try and show them your point of view? What if they still dont agree. Worse they use their worst and most effective tool for applying pressure - Emotional Blackmail? What then?
Do you give up and give in and then do something you really dont agree with?

What if this has an impact on the rest of your life? What if it is a battle of wills? What if you know you shall be unhappy for a long time if you DO listen to them? Is it okay to doubt them and then not do as you have been told? You have listened and obeyed all your life but this once when you dont agree..you are put in a corner and told that you have been a disappointment. It might not feel too good.

I just wonder if there is a middle path with parents. There is bound to be a point when you dont agree with them, and cant convince them. They are bound to be wrong at some point. Where is the line between respect for them but the freedom and independence to do something else..without offending them and bringing along a whole course of tears and accusations and wails about 'useless children with no respect' and 'wasted time, energy and effort not to mention money' that has been ruined on this 'useless shameful' child.

Is there a middle path? Does reverse emotional blackmail then become a right choice?
I dont know!

Countdown

The countdown is on. To move into a new space and new place. A new identity and a new family. Hmm!
The weekend was spent thinking about new possibilities and visualising new situations.
As my head swirled with thoughts, I thought about the typical 'cold feet' situation. I dont have cold feet. Its more a realisation of how important moving ahead is, trust is, love is. Building blocks of relationships have created a new world into which I plan to enter.
Willingly, happily.
Yet there remains trepidation of the future. But a long time ago someone I love, trust and respect said, 'There are no assurances in life'.
So here I go. One more weekend spent thinking.

Week day and end

A knock to awake, a chime in your ear,
Bleary eyes and stuck lashes.
Gravity defying hair,
created by Mr.P.I.Llow
Half asleep cup,
of tea too hot to drink.
Burnt toast and jam,
just about put in.
Run with the toast and,
hope not to miss the bus.
Stare into the distance,
reach work and start.
Waiting for the days to slip past,
to let the weekend begin.
Life on the fast track,
a long list of things to do.
People to meet and friends to ring,
things to buy and empty the bin.
Plans made for the following week,
with an eye on the weekend.
Shall catch up on sleep,
and watch that program I waited for.
Hope it will be dry and warm,
did not expect to see the rain.
Stayed in hoping,
the next one will be better then this.
Weekend life,
In the weekend style.
Things to do,
as the clocks walk by.

Holi!

It came and went like it never were.
I was not intending to celebrate anyways. But I do miss the ability to...
The last time I did I was in school and since then (1995) it has not happened.
I dont miss the shoe polish in my hair or the silver paint on my nose and eyelashes.
I do miss the messing around and running for my life and hiding only long enough to catch my breath and I would be ambushed by someone else with colour!
As a child I hated the festival because I could never make out who is who. Also aat a 2 foot height most people would miss the bucket of water and by the dint of your height and the inability to look up and see whats going on I would get soaked by default and come out spluttering and gasping from a bukcet of cold coloured water!
Most Kashmiri's are not too keen to celebrate as it is too cold (or used to be) and its not really a Kashmiri tradition, but its part of the Hindu tradition of which we are part!
So happy Holi to those who played, and better luck next time to those who did not :)

Aaarrrgghh?? Anyone??

Do you ever feel that if you think and worry anymore about things you shall flip?
Are you ever so bothered about stuff that you know you are forgetting things that matter?
Do you ever get so wrapped up in thoughts that you know you are there...but..not really?
Stressed? Worried? Or maybe just plain tired?
Need to get away from it all? Run away, hide and...sleeeeep??

...and I now sound like an advert for a holiday plan!!
Not quite the intention here..this was just to say..my answer to all those is YES!!
A Loud Capital letters one!
Having one of those Aaarghhh!! days..well the past 2 weeks have been like that..so...hmmm!!

aaarghh?? anyone? or am I here alone?

Here Comes the Grump!

A cartoon series made a long time ago. A person I know is currently behaving in a similar pattern, this is in honour of him.

Here Comes the Grump was an animated cartoon series created by DePatie-Freleng Enterprises. The main character was a small, grumpy wizard who had put a spell of melancholy on the kingdom of the Princess Dawn. The Princess and her friend Terry Dexter (a boy from the "real" world) searched for the Cave of the Whispering Orchids where they would find a crystal key to break the spell while the Grump tried to stop them. The Princess also had a pet creature, Bip, who looked like a cross between a dog and an octopus, that could sniff clues like a hound dog. In most chapters, the Princess and her friends travelled in a flying car that was supported by a big balloon.
The premise of the series was that in each episode the Grump would fly on a dragon following Terry and Princess Dawn, searching for the cave. This led them to bizarre places with strange characters, such as the Blabbermouth of Echo Island, where the mountains were made of living Swiss cheese.
The series was very creative for its time (1969-1971) and the colors had psychedelic influences, predominantly red and pink. The Grump himself wore a pink outfit and the Princess' creature was red. A recurring gag was that at the very last minute when the Grump was about to catch up with Princess Dawn, the Dragon would sneeze and burn the little wizard.
The character of the Grump was based upon Yosemite Sam; both were created by Friz Freleng. The Grump's Dragon was the same exact one Sam had in Knighty Knight Bugs, right down to the fiery nasal explosions upon its master.
The series lasted one season and was rerun, the most recent being the airing on the SciFi Channel in mid 1990s. The complete collection DVD was released in January 31, 2006.

(from Wikipedia)

Death Cab for Cutie

Cant get enough of these people. Have been listening to Plans all through the weekend. Amazing lyrics and amazing music.

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
(Marching Bands of Manhattan)

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
(I will follow you into the Dark)

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
(Soul meets Body)

Atta Girl!!!

The 52 Annual Filmfare Awards (the Indian Oscar equivalent) took place in Mumbai last night.
Amongst the nominees was my very own sister. OK, she did not win, but India's biggest star Shahrukh Khan read out her name. So someone voted for the sister :)

Awards in the Techincal Category: Best Art Direction: Aparna Raina for 'Being Cyrus'

Though I dont like Mr Khan per se it did sound good to know that Aparna's work was being broadcast to the nation via this famous face.

Non conventional as this area is to my family of Doctors, Teachers, Engineers, Bureaucrats and Bankers, it was not easy for them to understand this desire to be behind the cameras. She broke the mould and worked on ad films and music vidoes, now after having been in Mumbai for 3 years, she is getting there!

Someday she shall be a celebrity I hope, and I can bask in reflected glory!! I wish! Hey sis..you did us proud!! Way to go!!

Step

One step ahead,
Two steps mentally.
The path reveals as it opens.
Its sometimes clear, comforting.
Its sometimes blurred, confusing, exciting

A crumble, a crush, a bloom, a blush.
The colours are light, yet harsh at times.
There is hope for something more,
just out of reach.
Dreams show the promise of things to come,
sometimes of pasts gone by.
Revealed is that which is gone
and those that will come.

Curiousity to see further,
the ability to go only so far.
The hope of getting more,
the promise of the same.
The wish of no mistakes and happiness,
the awareness of correct choices of path.
The steps ahead will show,
what is to come.

In Memory

This is in memory of a near and very dear one who passed away last night. He will be missed in more ways than one.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.

Mamu you will be missed!

About Business Class and Softy Men

What is about men? They complain about being used and manipulated, but they turn soft as soon as a girl is sweet to them.
Last night for the 7th time I got upgraded for free from a crummy Economy class middle of the middle seat to 7K - business class in Virgin Atlantic. I travelled in style. All because I was very nice and smiley at the check in desk. I requested the nice young man at the desk to find me a good aisle seat as it was a long haul flight, he smiled back and said there is nothing available, when I continued to smile, he said he would sort something out, in the meantime I had a middle seat anyways. Later on I was called forward in the queue and told about my new seat. When boarding, was asked to turn left at the aircraft door..ooh! All for a smile :)

Having had this treatment done to me, now the 7th time on long haul flights (the other sweeties were all ground staff men with British Air, Gulf Air and Emirates) I was sitting and pondering about it while I soaked in the Champagne and nibblets. As I sat back with my feet up in the plush bed, and read through the latest antics of Shilpa Shetty in a UK magazine, I wondered if I would have been treated any differently if I was male.

How do airlines decide who shall get upgraded for free and why do they do it. Does a smile really work wonders on any man? I dont know if I want to think any theories here..or try and apply them. All I know is, when a girl (in this case me) smiles at a man (any man) chances are he will be really nice to her, and possibly do anything she wants. Ahh! I thank again the Lord for making me female!! Chromosome X rocks!

Pune! Visit 2

This time I am ready..to see the city and stay in it. To get up close and move around on my own! So I am walking, and auto ricking around town. Watching women bandits, wrapped in head scarves with only eyes visible..a typicall Pune thing to do! Strange..is the only way to describe it...if you really want to save your skin, you would not be wearing sleeveless clothes, and might not wearing a helmet when you ride a bike be a smarter option? I do wonder!
Also looked at women dressed in Bridal finery walking around town and eating road side food, dressed to the nines! I did think I saw one bride too many and then was told later, it was 'sari day' in some college, which meant every female in the college has to dress up..well according to me like a bride, because there are a great many ways and great many types of saris! And not all make you look like a bride.
The next thing I did do was go to a club, oh boy!! There were women in Saris there too! And the DJ played hot bollywood hits, which meant every single person was doing the same dance steps, being Kareena Kapur from Don or being Abhishek Bachchan from Guru. Amusing and entertaining and there was no other way of making me feel a lot lot older than i thought I was :)

Went up to Sinhgarh..and ate Pitala and Bhakri with some staggeringly hot red onion sauce..oh dear was it hot or was it hot! It was a nice unique place..sitting in the shade of a tree on a reed mat, eating freshly cooked food..seems like a truly 'rustic' experience if you are not Indian..but for me..it was yet another shade of India that I had not seen.
The visit to an Ashtvinayak temple in Thevur was great, saw a temple where one of the 8 lord ganesh's appeared in Maharashtra. On my way there I saw bullock carts laden with sugar cane making their way to the local sugar factory..it made a stunning picture against the sunset! On the way home, came a brisk and smelly fish market, selling produce so fresh, it was still flipping in the basket... i was tempted to buy some.
Amazing!
Overall I have let the city in, I am thinking about it. Its not a shock to my system as it was last time. Perhaps if I get a sense of direction in more ways then one..I would be happier :) But yes this place is like Mumbai, minus all the noise that comes with being a metropolis. The 7th largest city in India..but the village heart is not too far!

Snow Flakes Are Confused People

Big massive snow clouds in London,
And they changed my world to white this morning.
The snow flakes came, haltingly, hesistatingly,
And when they start to fall, they looked strange,
Like confused white alive things,
Dont know which way to go,
Helter skelter they go,
Not quite decided yet where they want to fall,
Sometimes they go 'wheeee!!' and spin round and round,
Sometimes they go running behind each other,
It looks like they are trying to dodge the ground,
To avoid being merged into the crowd,
To avoid being melted into nothingness.
While other larger flakes are tired of their journey,
All the way down to the ground,
They head straight home to Earth,
And fall down with a soft sigh,
Destination reached, now time to rest and melt.
Confused pretty white alive snow flakes!

Travelling

Miles dont matter,
To the moon and back is not far when you really want to do it.
I would change planets if required.
I am going. Going home. To where I belong, if only for a while.
To end my misery, even if temporarily.
Right or wrong, close or far. When the person matters, there is no debating.
There is no length long enough, no place too far.
I dont know about travelling through time..but a million miles is also not too long.
When you say you love someone, and really mean it.
It means a lot more than one phrase.
A lot more than love,
its about priorities, you know who shall be on top,
of your list.
You know when you wont think twice.
You will do anything to make them smile.
You will put their happiness in front of yours.
You would if you could. Anything.
Love means more than shared affection,
its more than a lot of caring,
it means more than marriage and children,
more than heart strings,
more than sacrifice and adjustments,
it includes:
'You mean the most to me, and there is nothing, that is trivial that I would not do for you, you matter that most, always, everytime and in every possible way. Everything else is trivial and matters little in the larger scheme of things'.

And so I am going..home...because 9000 miles is not that far.